- depression vents -

21.03.22

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't knwo mysöef, my personality eht i wany. i am so fuckign dumb. i'm talking to adam as if i dind't ewant to fuck gim to destroy ebetuyhin. and. took benzos. how lovel. i just couldnt say no anymore. i feel complerelt lost and o need you but youre so tar awau and it fucking hurts.

31.01.22

I am in another dip now. The more I think about it the more the suspicion of bipolar II that my therapist had makes sense. Two weeks ago I felt like I could take on the world, like nothing mattered and that's why it all mattered. You know. Live just to live, to have fun. I get by because I make it feel worth it. I loved everyone around me and I wish I could hug the whole world.. Now I'm somewhere else. I don't understand what people like about me, and I don't understand what I like about other people.. Everything just feels numbing. Like nothingness. I can't see bright colors, and somehow it feels like ALL hurts for me too. I don't know how, but it feels like me and the world, the universe, ALL,. Have some kind of confusing relationship. I know I'm not perfect and I know ALL isn't either. How could ALL be? No one is. And maybe ALL is that connected to me that when I'm in a slum ALL really does feel it with me and not like doing all this to me so that I will feel even worse? Because I've always thought that ALL is upset with me for not appreciating everything enough when I'm in one of my slums, my depression. And that ALL has been kind of punishing me for being this way, but why? Why would ALL want to punish me? We're friends, so why? Maybe I've gotten it wrong this whole time, maybe I have. You feel for me, I'm not alone.
Doesn't make me feel better, but it doesn't make me feel worse either.
It's so annoying all this though, bipolar II. Because it really does go up and down but when I'm in one of my up periods it feels like I'll never go down, and the same when I'm down... Feels like I'll never go up again. Yet, I feel like this is what has made me survive the mental state I'm in, like the up times have been the ones saving me from all my mental health issues.