- anxiety vents -
I am in my void again. And I don't know how to get out. I have an amost constant fear that the roof will fall on me or that the ground will collapse. I don't feel safe, any second now. I go from feeling loved to thinking that everyone hates me. Or maybe they think I hate them. I have too big emotions for my body, for my heart. I get hurt too easily, I get my hopes up, I trust too easily. I feel the shift again. And again. Eveyone hates me. So much. Why would you ever want me? I am useless.
I hate it here. MaybeI should just leave?
I hate that I don't know whatI want. But i think that's what i need. Some distance.
It's an awful feeling having people worry about you. But it's not a normal kind of worried, it's the judgemental kind. I can take care of myself, I've done that for the last 1,5 years. I know how to get through it. It's not like the normal kind of worry, like they care about me, but the one where you can clearly tell that they know nothing about the subject and they're just going off their own judgemental thoughts. When they know nothing about it. And it's not like they even bother asking. I just hate feeling like people are worried about me, because I know they see me as reckless and stupid. But you know, yeah, reckless I guess, but not stupid. I don't know I just don't want to be seen as someone I'm not because of my friends ignorance. And I guess it's a lot about being out of control with the way you're beign percieved. No matter how bad you wish you could have control over it, you can't. Whatever you say or do someone's always going to be there and judge you. And especially hard is it when they mask that judgement with worry. Why can't people just trust me that I can handle it? I don't know, having people worry about you is just horrible, and when you know it's fine and you tell them and they don't listen. That to me just feels like they think I'm incapable of taking care of myself, is that how people see me?? Hhhhhh gahhhhh.