- bpd vents -
sometimes it feels like i've stepped into a movie from the 50's, with all the grime and the darkest shade of black and spots so white my head hurts looking at it. It can go from 0 to 100 in a second or two. The worst part is, I know I am difficult, I am fully aware. Yet I still let myself feel. I still let myself talk. Make people feel bad. I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I get caught up, I get tangled in the treads and ropes and I can't get out and I need to tell you about it. I am so sorry but I can't show it. I go cold. And I go above and beyond. I am so scared of being hated, but sometimes I hate you. I hate her and I hate him. I feel like nobody ever speaks the truth. I am sick and I hate it. I am sick and I wish I wasn't. I wish I could be okay with it, I wish I was more in on the joke, I wish I could look on the bright side. But I'm sick. I don't know what to do. I feel defeated. I feel stupid. I feel like everything I say comes out wrong. I feel like I can't communicate. Either I'm too much or nothing. Either people love or hate me. But it's not like that. I'm making all of this up I know I am. But I can't see the truth. I think that this is how it is, but I know it isn't. I feel like my brain is melting. I wish I didn't feel this.
i never mean to be like this. if i could i would just take something that i could cut it off of me with. i know i've been onto you all day, i've called, texted, you must be sick of me by now. but i just can't let it go. i think you hate me. i think you're as tired of me as one could be. i think you regret ever knowing me. that you've almost had enough, just a little more now and you can finally rest. that you finally can breathe again as you make me shut up. all it takes is me apologizing again, saying i'm sorry, i'm sorry. but it keeps bugging me, like an itch. i need to scratch and bleed and scratch and bleed.
the ammount of self restraint i have sometimes is crazy.
i think my brain is starting to split a lot again. like i just see them as bad people, they want to hurt me, they've always wanted to hurt me. they don't care about me. they could never love me. but on the other hand i have the others, who i love. who i cherish so much and i know that they love me too. it's so weird to have my way of thinking like this. on one side of the spectrum i have people i who i would like die for, and on thr other there's people who i see as people who just want to harm me. and there's only a few in between. i wish i could just leave all of them, the bad ones. tell them how sad they've made me and just leave. but the tarot cards told me to stay. i really am happy that i have my tarot cards, especially now when my mind is a whole and a half mess. i won't leave, they told me to stay so i will. and it makes me so confused that even though i want to leave and i don't want to be their friend anymore i'm still scared they'll leave me. i'm scared they'll be okay with me leaving them, that they never really needed me anyway. and i've noticed that that's something that i've always struggled with. i hate you so much, but you can't leave me. not even if i leave you first. i'm so tired of this.
i'm always so scared that i'm either too much or not enough. i feel like there's so much love inside me that i want to show you but it's like i can't get over the threshold to really show you it in a good ammount. it's either way too much, i'm too clingy or i'm too nice, too loud, so people don't believe me when i try to tell them how much i love them. or it's like the feelings can't come out and i try my hardest to feel anything but i juse can't feel it. it's like my emotions just completely disconnect and i am a shell of who i actually am. and once i feel that spark of emotion i feel it way too much. it's either nothing or all and it's so annoying. i go all day without feeling anything, even when i'm with my friends and then one thing can come up and i all of a sudden become too much instead of too little. i've been told too many times that people don't know how to handle my emotions because they are so much. when i'm happy i'm too loud and hyper, i don't think before i do things, when i'm sad i bawl my eyes out, when i get angry i lash out for a minute and then i realize how much of a burden i am and i try to stop feeling angry and i get sad instead. quiet. i hate it. i wish i could be better to you, i know you think i'm great and i try my best. but i know i could be so much more. i've not always been like this, i don't know what happened... it feels like i haven't been able to show you all of the love you deserve yet, i know i show you a lot of love all the time (as you testify) but i wish i could be even more. i don't know. i just want you to understand that i love you more than i've ever loved anyone else before but i keep messing it up by either being way too loving or way to emotionally numb. i hope i can get help so i can get better. i want to get better for you. i've never wanted to get better this bad before, you deserve me at my best.
I catch myself being so angry with myself even though I know this is just how my brain works. I hate that I've started to distance myself from my other friends and I see it, I see them from the outside, and I don't care. Because in my brain the only person who matters is you. You're the only one I want to talk with, it wouldn't cross my mind to ever talk to someone else on discord or over the phone. But you. I could talk to you for hours, forever please? And it makes me so angry at myself because I want to care about my friends so badly, because they mean a lot to me, but all my brain can focus on is you. And I feel so happy, almost euphoric when you tell me how much you love me too, but as soon as you don't answer my texts I get anxious. I keep thinking that all of a sudden you hate me. And I deserve the absolute worse. I don't deserve happiness, you hate me. And then you text me sorry, and I forgive you. Because I'm scared of being irrational or too much and I don't really want to be angry at you and I still have the fear or scaring you away. I know you don't ignore me on purpose, I know you wouldn't do that. But it's just so scary. And I love you and you make me so happy, but feeling that everything is in your hands is making me so scared. I really don't want to mess this up, I don't know what I'd do without you.