- bpd vents -

10.04.22

I DARE YOU TO COME CLOSE TO ME AND SEE WHAT I CAN DO
I'LL MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AND THEN I'LL RIP YOUR HEART IN TWO.

I LOVE DESTRUCTION I LOVE DESTRUCTION I CLEARLY FUCKING LOVE DESTRUCTION WHY AM I LIKE THIS WHO MADE ME WHAT GOD DECIDED TO MAKE ME A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID IT I DON'T KNOW WHY I MAKE PROMISES I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME WHY DO I BREAK PEOPLE WHY DO I BREAK PEOPLE WHY DO I BREAK HEARTS WHY WHY WHY???

24.03.22

Moth
When I’m in your arms I feel like
A hummingbird

Something small and fragile. You made me feel safe from the start and it’s so fucking crazy
because I don’t usually feel that way about people. You coming up to me when I was throwing
up in the staircase. I still don’t remember what you said but you told me you said I was pretty.
I guess anorexic girls are cute when they throw up. But I said thanks. And you said you’re
playing now we should come check. So we did, and I remember it a bit like melting into the
sounds. But sorry I don’t remember it for the most part. And I met you again yesterday and it
was really weird because we understood that maybe this was meant to be, you and me, friends.
Because maybe we felt the same feelings, together in suffering in a way. Your mom is an alcoholic
and left when you were 4. My dad is an alcoholic and ”left” when I was 11. You weren’t wanted,
neither was I. We were sitting there by the ocean talking about it and I think I gave you a piece of
me. As when we were laying on the floor later that afternoon listening to the drums, planet drum.
Down on the floor just looking at each other, seeing. You made me feel seen, I felt important
even though you’re practically a stranger. And a stranger you are still even though I’m writing this
as if we’ve known each other for so long. But maybe you chose me because you felt it, because
I did.
I
felt it.

I decided to believe in the good in people and I’m so thankful because I ended up there, in your
apartment spinning around while on acid. We shared the same brain for a while, thinking everything
The other did. It’s odd how I from time to time seem to end up in such strange places. But it’s good
I’m happy I get to live this through.
You told me afterwards that you felt whole again, as if the puzzle pieces fell together all again.
That you felt cleansed. That I was still in your head. Maybe I was. Maybe I crawled inside and made
A home there, cozy. Because you have that kind of head, the one you can settle down in. Where I
feel like no one is ever going to touch me ever again. Maybe this is the start of something bigger
then I know now. Maybe this feeling isn’t lying. Maybe I made you fall in love with me. Maybe I still
haven’t moved out, I’ve made myself a home.
Maybe this will be the death of me. Maybe you already love me and is ready to say it.

22.12.21

I don't want to blame him for everything that has come of me, how i act, how i express love, how i react. but i can see traces of the things he did to me everywhere i look. i neaver meant to destroy anyone. i didn't mean to get so close just to push away. sometimes i wish people could live with my brain for just a day or two just to understand. understand that despite everything i'm trying my best. it feels like either i have all my walls up or i'm completely naive. when you get close to me i think i mean as much to you as you mean to me and i just want this fairy tale.. but them something small happens. you say the wrong words, go ahead, a switch to the other side and then it all breaks. i either love you or hate you. i'm sorry. at least i know, when i love, it's endless endless endless. feels like forever.

07.12.21

I feel like the worst thing about having BPD is that people who are not that close to me really don't get me. I know it sounds cliché and stupid but it's really like that. I don't know how to have normal friendships. I really don't. My friends are either people I'd die for, who I love more than anything in the whole world. They love me too, I know that because we've been through so much things together and I know that I can talk to them about my mental state. They make me feel euphoric, and I know that I'll always have them... then there's those friends who don't know me that well. And I honestly don't know if I can call most of them friends just because I know I can't open up. I know they'd judge me, get scared off, I'll start to dislike them if they tell me I'm too much. I have known it for a long time, but just recently I really realized that. Knowing me takes patience, knowing me is not easy. And I feel bad, I really do. I don't expect people to have the time or energy to put up with me, so I leave. I leave because I know they will leave and I know that they don't even want to try to understand so why even bother? I want to have a small group of friends who all gets me, who loves me, who tells me everything on their mind and lets me in. And I let them in. And I feel really fortunate to have the friends that I do have because they are a solid lil group of people that I love more than words are able to express. But I've lost some on the way there, and it's honestly alright. You lose some, you gain some.
And even if I do feel great in the state my friend circle is at now, it's still annoying sometimes that it's really difficult for me to just have a casual friend in school. Someone that sees me everyday and sees me struggle with mood swings and abandonment and dissociation and self harm and impulsiveness but they don't understand why. And it just ends up with them judging me, deciding that I'm a drama queen, toxic, rude, too much, e.t.c. I don't know what I really want to say here, maybe I don't always have to have this grand meaningful message behind everything I write. This is just the truth. And it's tiring. But in a way I can't deny that all of this is what leads me to get so so close to the people I am close to. So it's really a doubble edged sword in the end. And as much as it sucks that my relationships always are at 0 or 100, maybe it's a good thing... because it really shows me who I can trust, who cares about me. And I know I'll have them until I die. I love them, so very much.

05.12.21

You left me. How could you do this to me? How can I ever forgive you?
Fuck this shit.

06.10.21

The silence is the worst. The silence is what breaks me.

17.09.21

sometimes it feels like i've stepped into a movie from the 50's, with all the grime and the darkest shade of black and spots so white my head hurts looking at it. It can go from 0 to 100 in a second or two. The worst part is, I know I am difficult, I am fully aware. Yet I still let myself feel. I still let myself talk. Make people feel bad. I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I get caught up, I get tangled in the treads and ropes and I can't get out and I need to tell you about it. I am so sorry but I can't show it. I go cold. And I go above and beyond. I am so scared of being hated, but sometimes I hate you. I hate her and I hate him. I feel like nobody ever speaks the truth. I am sick and I hate it. I am sick and I wish I wasn't. I wish I could be okay with it, I wish I was more in on the joke, I wish I could look on the bright side. But I'm sick. I don't know what to do. I feel defeated. I feel stupid. I feel like everything I say comes out wrong. I feel like I can't communicate. Either I'm too much or nothing. Either people love or hate me. But it's not like that. I'm making all of this up I know I am. But I can't see the truth. I think that this is how it is, but I know it isn't. I feel like my brain is melting. I wish I didn't feel this.

06.07.21

i never mean to be like this. if i could i would just take something that i could cut it off of me with. i know i've been onto you all day, i've called, texted, you must be sick of me by now. but i just can't let it go. i think you hate me. i think you're as tired of me as one could be. i think you regret ever knowing me. that you've almost had enough, just a little more now and you can finally rest. that you finally can breathe again as you make me shut up. all it takes is me apologizing again, saying i'm sorry, i'm sorry. but it keeps bugging me, like an itch. i need to scratch and bleed and scratch and bleed.

26.04.21

the ammount of self restraint i have sometimes is crazy.

16.04.21

i think my brain is starting to split a lot again. like i just see them as bad people, they want to hurt me, they've always wanted to hurt me. they don't care about me. they could never love me. but on the other hand i have the others, who i love. who i cherish so much and i know that they love me too. it's so weird to have my way of thinking like this. on one side of the spectrum i have people i who i would like die for, and on thr other there's people who i see as people who just want to harm me. and there's only a few in between. i wish i could just leave all of them, the bad ones. tell them how sad they've made me and just leave. but the tarot cards told me to stay. i really am happy that i have my tarot cards, especially now when my mind is a whole and a half mess. i won't leave, they told me to stay so i will. and it makes me so confused that even though i want to leave and i don't want to be their friend anymore i'm still scared they'll leave me. i'm scared they'll be okay with me leaving them, that they never really needed me anyway. and i've noticed that that's something that i've always struggled with. i hate you so much, but you can't leave me. not even if i leave you first. i'm so tired of this.

09.04.21

i'm always so scared that i'm either too much or not enough. i feel like there's so much love inside me that i want to show you but it's like i can't get over the threshold to really show you it in a good ammount. it's either way too much, i'm too clingy or i'm too nice, too loud, so people don't believe me when i try to tell them how much i love them. or it's like the feelings can't come out and i try my hardest to feel anything but i juse can't feel it. it's like my emotions just completely disconnect and i am a shell of who i actually am. and once i feel that spark of emotion i feel it way too much. it's either nothing or all and it's so annoying. i go all day without feeling anything, even when i'm with my friends and then one thing can come up and i all of a sudden become too much instead of too little. i've been told too many times that people don't know how to handle my emotions because they are so much. when i'm happy i'm too loud and hyper, i don't think before i do things, when i'm sad i bawl my eyes out, when i get angry i lash out for a minute and then i realize how much of a burden i am and i try to stop feeling angry and i get sad instead. quiet. i hate it. i wish i could be better to you, i know you think i'm great and i try my best. but i know i could be so much more. i've not always been like this, i don't know what happened... it feels like i haven't been able to show you all of the love you deserve yet, i know i show you a lot of love all the time (as you testify) but i wish i could be even more. i don't know. i just want you to understand that i love you more than i've ever loved anyone else before but i keep messing it up by either being way too loving or way to emotionally numb. i hope i can get help so i can get better. i want to get better for you. i've never wanted to get better this bad before, you deserve me at my best.

01.04.21

I catch myself being so angry with myself even though I know this is just how my brain works. I hate that I've started to distance myself from my other friends and I see it, I see them from the outside, and I don't care. Because in my brain the only person who matters is you. You're the only one I want to talk with, it wouldn't cross my mind to ever talk to someone else on discord or over the phone. But you. I could talk to you for hours, forever please? And it makes me so angry at myself because I want to care about my friends so badly, because they mean a lot to me, but all my brain can focus on is you. And I feel so happy, almost euphoric when you tell me how much you love me too, but as soon as you don't answer my texts I get anxious. I keep thinking that all of a sudden you hate me. And I deserve the absolute worse. I don't deserve happiness, you hate me. And then you text me sorry, and I forgive you. Because I'm scared of being irrational or too much and I don't really want to be angry at you and I still have the fear or scaring you away. I know you don't ignore me on purpose, I know you wouldn't do that. But it's just so scary. And I love you and you make me so happy, but feeling that everything is in your hands is making me so scared. I really don't want to mess this up, I don't know what I'd do without you.