6 moths and going storng!!
He and I are celebrating 6 months today!! It's so nice looking back at the past months, all the fun things we did and all the precious time I have spent with him ♡. Like when we went to Grönan, Gothenburg when we slept in that studio and went to WOW, the museums and art exhibitions, all the times in summer we got pad thai and sat outside and painted (we had a small obsession), all the times we've simply just painted together and I finally don't feel judged, moving into the apartment, the time I made a little sleepy Kirby tattoo on him, I can go on forever. Life is soft, and simple. And I love it.
Update on Japan as well, WE HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO THE SCHOOL!!! Now we just have to fix visa and then we're set. It's so crazy that my dreams are so close now, and that they are happening in this moment. Like, I MIGHT ACCTUALLY GO TO JAPAN AAAAAAH. I just can't wrap my head around it. And I'm going to be there with the best boy in the world, and we will go on so many adventures. I'm just so happy. It feels so good after all these years of struggling with so many things things, mental health, suicidal thoughts, school, abuse, I have made it out alive, and I will keep on living and live the best life that I can. I am going to fulfill the dream of my life. I barely even have words to describe the feeling. I'm doing it, and after all the things I've gone through, I'm so proud of myself. There, I said it! I'm so proud of myself for making it this far and working for a better time that will come. The snow is falling outside, and for the first time in so long I'm enjoying it. For the first time in so long.
As another month moved along, so did everything else.
I quit my job. It was an easy desicion to make, I really just didn't feel like doing it anymore, and as always... I simply leave. But of course, I'm now a responsible adult, with my own apartment, so I started to search for new jobs right away. I remember leaving that groupinterview being completely disappointed in myself. I just felt like it went really really bad. But, a week ago when I was sitting at home painting "Mornings" I got a call. I got the job!! HA ha take that, me after the interview didn't think that would happen huh? So all of a sudden, just like that, I'm now working at a cinema. It's honestly so nice, just really cozy and chill.
Something else that's new is that I got a BPD diagnosis. I have mixed feelings about it to be honest. One part of me finds it relieving that I now know for sure what is "wrong" with me (I've been suspecting that I have borderline for like 1,5 years lol), why I'm like this. But at the same time, it felt like my whole world was turned upside down. There's just so much stigma around it, and accepting that I atually AM a person with BPD. But alas, now I might actually finally recieve the help I need from the psychiatry.
Life is just moving very slow at the moment, but also the months just go by. I work, I come home, I cook dinner, I spend time with J, I go meet my friends, and repeat. It's not too bad though, I'm just looking forward to next year. J and I have sent in our applications to the school we want to go to in Japan, and it's quite nerve wracking to wait for an answer. But just the thought about it, that in less than a year I might be out of this place. I will be sad to leave my friends, yeah, but I'm leaving them to live out my biggest dream. And the simple thought of then being there, in Tokyo, it just fills me with so much happiness and warmth I cannot describe it. And we will keep the contact, I know it. I just realized it now, when writing all this, that I can accomplish more things now than I ever thought I could. I am actually doing it now, and I'm doing great. I am so happy to be me.
You're sleeping softly besides me every night now, and I honestly cound't be more happy.
Moving in together was amazing. We got the keys to the apartment and went and bought the "just moved in" pizza. And we sat there eating, while dreaming of the months ahead of us that are now paving the way. Life's more easy now. I have closer to work and to the inner city and I get to spend more time with him and my friends. Speaking of friends, lately I've hung out more with F and N, the girls from my work. And it's been so much fun. They're so open about everything and I love that about them. Even though I haven't known them for that long, it really feels like I can talk about everything with them. How F and I share our poetry together and N driving us around. They told me to burn his sweater, and I will.
I feel like there's something in the air these days. It could just be autumn coming along, but it feels different this time, not as hopeless as it used to be. A sort of lukewarm wind holding me gently, telling me I'll be alright even though winter is on its way. It's funny how I sort of know that everything will turn out just like I want it to, because I know I have that spark in me to carry through it all. I can just feel it, bubbling. Yesterday I was at a family party and I talked to my uncle about my dreams, of going to Japan, studying design, all that. And he told me he wouldn't advice me to do that, he said "study economics, law, engineering, ANYTHING!" and I almost couldn't hold myself from laughing. I just don't want to live like that, and I'll do anything in my power to get to a point where I'm happy with my life. I don't want to settle for "just enough". I guess people don't always see it in me as I see it in myself. So I guess I'll just have to show them. And that wonderful amazing sunny day when I get to where I want to be they'll all see. And we can both laugh at all those conversations. In the end he did say to me though, right as I was leaving,
"you know what I think, follow your dreams instead, do it."
Life right now is laying out the future I'm looking forward to being a part of.
About a week ago I got a call. During that call I got to know that I have the opportunity to move out. FINALLY!! I AM MOVING OUUUT!!! I can't wait.
There's of course something somber about moving away from my childhood home. I won't be able to bring my cat Bella, the nature back at home and yes, the feeling of actually growing up. I really am an adult now. God damn. But I guess I've known for a while now, duh. But now it's so previlent, now it's so, well, now. But boy, I cannot WAIT. I am moving to the city, I'm becoming a citygirl. And I'm moving with my boyfriend, which feels so wonderful. How we're gonna make it into the most cozy apartment ever, with fairy lights, plants and art. We're going to have our small little place in the world. Gonna have so many nights together when we cook dinner and light candles, lay in the sofa watching series or playing video games, jamming out together, having friends over. It's all an adventure in and of itself!
Otherwise this last month has been great, tough, but great. I've started work now and It's a complete rollercoaster. It kind of feels like I'm off my meds again because it differs so much. One hour I'm in love with the job and think it's the most fun thing ever and the other I just want to go home. But the absolute best part about it is my amazing colleagues, who I actually can more count as my friends. We've had so many nights where we've gone out and done something all of us, drinking, dancing, eating food, going to theme parks, bowling, going to raves. I feel fourtunate that I got to end up in the team that I ended up with, we're like a big family of 12.
This is it, you know. I feel like this is truly where my story as an adult begins. And it's funny, looking back at all the diary entries I've made on this site while slowly making my way here. Sorry I guess, that this wasn't as "poetic like" as my other entries, but I just wanted to write this little catch up.
I'm doing great. I'm in love with life. I'm finally falling into place.
I was just hit by a truck of nostalgia. For the past 40 minutes or so I've just been laying in my bed, looking out at the clouds from my skylight and thought about all these years that have passed. How I kind of wish I could live through them all again like a movie, with the knowledge of how it all would turn out. I graduated art school a couple of weeks ago now. I cannot describe the overflow of happiness that I felt as I ran out from the school building and danced to LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem lol. I don't think it really has hit me that upper secondary is over now. That was that time of my life, and I will look back at it as such, as is played out, no more no less. I remember back in summer 2019, how excited I was for the future and everything that art school would give. And it's strange to remember that and now look back at it knowing exactly what happened. How much fun it was, from drinking during class to shaving my head, breaking up with my first boyfriend and buying import vodka. Discovering substances and fucking up friendships and going to raves. Sick houseparties and finding out more about myself and who I am and who I want to be. Creating art and finding cool things at second hand stores and making new friends. It's been crazy. And now I'm here, and I've grown so much. And my "new" boyfriend who was with me the whole journey without me knowing what would come, because we went to the same school. I wish I could watch it all back and just see how it felt, because I really don't want to forget.
Anyway, these days since graduation has been great, I've had the time of my life. I've spent a lot of time with Julius, my boyfriend, and it's been so wonderful. I love doing everything with him, everything from going to raves and dancing all night to laying in his bed watching Twilight for hours. I fucking love him, and I love every second I get with him. I'm trying to enjoy every moment, as time passes by so fast...I start work in a couple of days, then it's really a new chapter. And even though it is pretty scary, the whole growing up thing, I am so excited to see where the future takes me. How it goes on my new job, spending time with Julius, and of course, how I eventually will end up in Japan. The future is bright, I know it. I can feel it.
"One who hurts, one who loves."
This feeling!! Oh this feeling!!! I never want to let go, I just want to be with you.
The last week has been so cozy, waking up besides you, walking hand in hand. We do such things, small things that matter. Like when you got me breakfast in bed with heart shaped sandwitches as I was hungover, making fancy ramen in your small kitchen, cathing the sunset, smoking cigarettes on your balcony watching out for yellow cars. And still no, yellow taxis don't count but for you I can make an exeption. It just feels so good to finally again wanting to put effort into something. I want to be the best for you, give you all the kindness you so deserve. I want to do everything with you, travel to Japan, go carpet shopping, go to gröna lund, go to the cat cafe, go to our next rave and just dance for hours on end, give you all of my heart. I love how we can just sit on your floor while listening to instrumental music while painting. I feel so me with you, I am not afraid to take up space. I can be as annoying as I want, as expressive as I need to be, and you don't even bat an eye of irritation, you just look at me and tell me you love me. We share headphones on the bus and I can play whatever I feel like, show you my art that isn't finished and I know, I feel it, you don't judge me. I can tell every thought that crosses my mind and you always know the right things to say. It's weird, I'm in love again. And all the colors look more vivid now, I can hear the bass in every song I listen to. I know we'll go on great adventures this summer and I just can't wait. Even just waking up besides you fills my heart with joy. Jag är så lycklig. Så jävla lycklig.
"Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a fucking dream I'm living in"
Ever since thursday when he came and met us at the bar I've been seeing angel numbers. That night I saw 20:20, 21:21 and then 22:22, right before we shared a pack of cigarettes and went to the club. We danced for a couple of hours to horrible music and I looked over at you guys laughing at how bad it was and I laughed with you. It was a good night, in the end. She said "sleep at his place" but I didn't. Although, two days later I was back there again. Dancing to the sound still ringing in my ears the day after. And that night I did sleep over, and it was one of the most comfy days I've had in a long while. How him and I lay in bed all morning and then went to buy brunch, how we sat on the balcony in the sun by the tram, and how we stayed in bed the rest of the day until we had to go get dinner. It's strange, I don't usually feel so comfortable with people, so at peace. But I was. You're so cute. How you can look at me and just say "cute", "beautiful", or how big of a smile you give me when I hug you. It feels like summer!! There's something special in the air. And I really like you. Like a lot. Hope you feel the same.
I know I say it a lot, but 'm in a constant state of change. It's absurd really. How every week everything is different, from one month to another my existance is different. But this time it's a lot, when I say that everything changed, but I feel alright I believe. I'm now single, and we had an awfully beautiful goodbye. In Berlin (I wish to go back, I wish to go back..) and it was the last night. Both for the trip, but apparently also for us. Berlin was nice though, even though it was our swan song. We had so much fun, walking around exploring Kreuzberg, finding small book stores and pagan stores, or the day we went to the aquarium or the nightclub we went to and danced for hours. I miss it, so much. You will always mean a lot to me, and I'll never forget what we had. Or what we still have, what we always will have.
I got back to reality. Getting off the plane again where everything was so familiar. It's a stange feeling you know, when you've been away from home and everyhting you've laid your eyes on has been new and exciting. Then you come home and everyhthing is the exact same, you recognize the trains entering, the roof of the buildings, the air. What I really appreciated with Berlin was the camp of it, how the city doesn't take itself so seriously, which I can feel like my city at home does. Not to mention I came back to an absolute mess. He's in love with me already and wants to be with me, be my boyfriend. I don't want that, and I've told him that, and yet he still nags me about it. "Meet my mom", "let me buy you gifts", "my girl". I feel stuck, once more. Fuck. And the parties, it feels like that's everything I've been doing lately. Not that I don't like it, but time seems to move more quickly now.
Everything's too fun.
It was dark outside and we were walking towards the old school, in the distance we could hear the pulse from the dancefloor. We went up to a guy standing by a broken window, we nodded to him and he said "follow me", and so we did. Into the window and down in the basement. Up the stairs in complete darkness. I felt in that moment like I was in an episode of corpse party, that any second now, any second something terrible might happen. But then the smell of weed and cigarettes hit us, and the fairy lights started guiding the way. Different lights in different colors in the staircases, the big red glowing hearts. We went down the staris again and he said "just down here", and there was another world waiting for us.
I went to my first rave yesterday and fuck, that was an experience if anything. People dancing, singing, hugging. Everyone cared so much about each other and it was so beautiful. Neon lights and balloons and people with cool fits and smoking inside like nothing. The basement was really small and we were so many people crammed in together dancing for our lives. I wish I could go back to that night, just as I wish with so many more.
And it's so crazy that he saw me throwing up in the stairway and stopped to say something I don't remember, but it was really important, because then I ended up in an apartment in the west side of the city sitting with some strangers on the floor on acid. It's weird how you can get a gut feeling sometimes, as when he came up to me I felt safe, for some reason, even though he had been crying and was a total wreck. He felt safe, and that's why I met him up, came with, let him show me everything. The small apartment with the two towers and the sunset. Playing loud music from the speakers and his friend Rice sleeping through the whole thing because he had been up all night in the music studio. It was this insane youth spirit around us like I never had experienced before. The living day by day, the living just for fun.
I've started seeing the good in people, believing in the good. As I did today, and I've noticed that every time I've had the option to trust someone or not and my intuition has told me to do so and I did I've always ended up thanking myself afterwards. Just because it lead to such good experiences. So it's something I want to do more, as much as I can.
And I don't know why I seem to find myself in such strange places, but I'm having fun with it!! I'm thankful that I get to live through this. Live in it. Be it.
When did my hair get so long?
I can feel it coming on, the pure snow white euphoria building up inside. Out of nowhere, like a storm. And it's almost, almost there. Then something happens; the big hand comes from the sky, pushing down. It goes straight through my brain, into the corners of my head. Slices me up, anything to not feel too much. And it kills, kills, kills. It dies. Blood splattering onto the floortiles. She dies in my arms. Euphoria no more.
I guess it's good, even though it's kinda sad. It's good that my medicine can make me more functioning. And lower highs means higher lows, so I think somehow everything is falling into place now. Everything is, the sky, the sun, the light and I am falling, tumbling into another state of mind. I could feel it yesterday, not extreme happiness, but just normal satisfaction. I felt happy to be alive, I laughed, I smiled, I talked, so so much yesterday. I worked out, and I did the day before that too, not for the same reasons as I used to. I just love moving my body, feeling strong, the feeling after. Now it's really time to work for the future, now that I'm actually growing stable (for ca. one week now and still going strong, new world record!!). I'm going to apply for jobs, dream about my future apartment, I'm going to Berlin in a month. I hate to say it but maybe meds was really the thing I needed right now. My mom has always shrugged whenever doctors have brought up medicine with me before, but now that I'm 18 I can do whatever I want. And getting that abilify was such a good decision (so far at least). I'm slipping through it. Sometimes I wish I could invite people into my mind for them to understand. I'm not an alien, no, but I feel like I can't really express the way I feel correctly. I try my best to tell but I want to show. Wouldn't that be fun? Taking a trip into someone's mind? How much easier things would be.
I got to know a couple of days ago that I might be able to move into an apartment in summer. Imagine, me and Teddy living together. I'm in a dream again.
But please, I don't want to wake up this time.
Time has somehow moved past february without me noticing. Even though it felt like forever, now the snow is melting into water streaming down the roads towards the forest. It's her time now. The birds are singing and as I'm walking up the street I stand still for a while, facing the sun, covered in warmth.
Oh, I've also started my new medication!! Yayyy! Lol. It's antipsychotics I need to take, mainly so that I don't have such awful mood swings and to combat my dissociation. Hot bitches take mood stabilizers am I right? We'll see how it goes, I've only been taking them for a couple of days now but I hope they will make me more um, normal. Or like I guess I don't want to be normal, that would probably be really lame, but just not constantly feel like I'm on the worlds most intense rollercoaster with a blindfold on. But yeah, I'm doing pretty good even though there's been a lot going on lately. A lot of stuff involving me being worried for my friends, witness statement, social services, suicide, going out. Omg, that reminded me I need to tell you about last friday.
So, we went to a club and it was such an amazing night! I can't help but feel like "It was the best night of my life" but that um, yeah, I have too many nights that I feel like that about lmao. But yeah, it was so much fun, literally felt like I was in a movie. We got in even though you had to be at least 20 and as soon as we got in we were hit by the loud club music, flashing lights, foggy air and sweat. We went almost straight to the bathroom and got one key each, me, M and D pushed against each other in the stall, it was so sus. We went out just in time for Don't Look Back in Anger to play. I don't think I've ecer screamed that loud before, and it was such a bittersweet moment without the bitterness. As I was dancing in my mini dress, "Please don't put your life in the hands of a rock and roll band who'll throw it all away.". The flashing lights made L look like pictures taken with a polaroid. Every two seconds. We went to get water, L and I, and I bumped into someone and accidentally got water all over me. L just looked at me and then he poured his water over his head and gave me a big smile, then he reached out his hand towards me and asked me for a dance. We danced for hours.
Yes, I did have a small post-club depression the day after since it had been so fucking fun. I need to go back there sometime, debaser ♡.
It feels like a new era of my life has begun in a way. I mean, my boyfriend is moving to my city soon enough, I'm approacing the finish line of art school, I'm 18 now, I have gotten some new friends. It was kind of funny, a couple of days ago we ditched school just before the last class and went out drinking instead lmao. The usual place, where they know us so well they served L beer even though she didn't have her license with her. We sat and talked for a couple of hours, and we talked about everything. Love, mental illness, drama, memories. And they really do make me so happy, even though I haven't known them for too long. I can tell that they're happy that I've started hanging out with them, and honestly it feels good to feel wanted you know! I could have never thought when I started art school as a 16 year old that I today would be friends with I, L, R and M. It's so stupid, and I've realized it now, but I was pretty much just as judgemental as my old "friends" still are. We thought we were special because we had dyed hair and we liked piercings and tattoos and listened to music that wasn't classified as pop. I ended up with the other edgy kids because I thought that was the group I should be in. I couldn't be with the "normal" looking people because for some reason I thought our personalities wouldn't match, they wouldn't understand me, they wouldn't feel my pain (sad rawr DX), they weren't fun?? somehow. It sucks that I thought about it that way, because I ended up in the wrong crowd. Not drug or alcohol wise, damn let me tell you these "edgy alternative cool" people I used to hang out with were pretty strait-edge (they just liked the fact that people thought they were partying). But amazingly enough, time will always tell, and it did. I'm not 16 anymore, I'm not what I wear and no one else is either. All of my old "friends" tured out to be not the people for me, and most of them are still like they were when they were 16, almost 3 years later now. At least I'm moving on and I think they can tell. They always seem so miserable when I'm moving through the school, in the classroom, in the hallway, on a smoko. I honestly don't know how they do it, how they have the energy. They stay, I go. But nonetheless I don't have the time to resent them for the rest of my life, frankly they don't deserve it. So when all of this is over, when our upper secondary days are bleak memories, I hope they can find something that gives them peace.
My mom just called me and told me to come outside, it was freezing cold and the snow glimmered like glitter as I made my way down to the road where she told me to meet her. When I came down she pointed up at the sky and said "Look, the northern lights!", and it was. We couldn't see them that well but surely, something was moving over the sky, dancing. It was a strange kind of green beem or light, up and down. My mom told me that she's seen them once before here where we live, but definitely not as clear as now. It felt so special, it was against all odds. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
And I feel like I've done everything right to have been there in that moment.
Whoa, happy new year!? I hope life is doing you good. I'm pretty good to be honest. I'm living in ignorant bliss. I go out partying with my friends, declaring the love we have for each other a couple of beers in, I meet random people at the bar who offers me great company. I've stopped caring about everyone else. Their opinions, what they are doing this very second. I don't really believe in new year's resolutions because new year's is really just another day. Life goes on, as it always has. Nothing changes. But if I were to have a "mission" this year, then it really is to stop caring. I'll let them live, I'll let them talk, what does it have to do with me? As logn as I'm happy.
It's honestly so strange to think about the fact that I made it to 2022. I've thought so many times that I wouldn't make it to 18, or even 19, as I'm turning 19 this year. It's so fucking weird. If only my past self could see where I am now, feeling euphoria at the bus station wearing only a small skirt and thigh highs in -8 degrees. I really thought I would die. But I didn't. And now I'm here, I'm right here and all I can think about is the oportunities. The amazing people I know, being my own best friend, travelling the world, finishing school. It feels like I have everything in front of me and I'm looking forward to live it all. Honestly, despite me not getting the help I need for my mental illnesses, I feel like I've never been this happy before. In a way I don't know if it is because I'm getting better or if I'm going mental, but I'm enjoying it. I'm in for the ride. It just keeps getting better and better! We'll see where 2022 takes me, but I think, I really think, it's going to be so fucking good.
Aaaaaall die young, love is lovely when you are young, all die young,
love is lovely when you are young, all die young
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