8th November 2020 23:46
today i woke up with a pounding head and spinning vision. the mistakes of yesterday were prominent when i tried to sit up in the bed but i fell straight down again. he grabbed my body and pulled me closer, held me tight. i gave up, and went back to sleep.
it was a saturday, at 3 pm, and we were standing by the port waiting, 17-23, "are you sure this is the right place?". i was anxious, i hadn't bought alcohol from a dealer like this for a long while. with every person walking past, every car driving bad i uttered the words "do you think that's him?" no, and again, no. 20 minutes later and we were on the strain back to the central, this time with 3 liters of smirnoff cramped into our bags as we pretended like nothing when the glass bottles hit each other in there making a loud "klirr" sound. we went to eat fries at a miscellaneous burger place, chatting about the protest going on outside. "good for us we're not them, we are safe here as consumers of the capital agenda. we have nothing to worry about, glad to be from here! i mean the world is dark and grousome and sad and they are probably trying to convey a really important message but i don't know i even should listen, wouldn't it be kind of weird? what does all of this have to do with me anyway?! seems like they want to spread awareness about a war somewhere or something ok but what snacks do you want to buy for tonight?"
(not a conversation that actually happened, which in and of itself says a lot)
oh yeah,i was going to tell you about when we got drunk! yes! back to fun things! we came up with the idea to play among us and take a shot when you lose. i highly recommend it! chaos broke lose when we were around 5 shots in. somehow i ended up in the bathroom with him. we were in the bathtub as he kissed me the way he does, like it's the only thing he wants to do for the rest of his life. there is something about being young and in love, it's the definition of purety, childlike hopes and dreams. we are two but as one and it will be like that forever and forever, always.
as i told monty earlier this night, if alcohol has taught me anything it's that it really does get better when you feel like absolute garbage. really! this moring i felt so bad. we dragged our feet out of bed at 12:58 and i said hello to a lovely 2 hour puking session. i looked at that avocado toast with disgust because i knew i had to eat something because my stomach was completely empty, and i felt like there was a big black hole inside of me, so empty that it had started consuming my insides instead as a way to get at least something. when i finally after hours of groaning and procrastinating the first bite i did it, and they cheered for me. my poor body.
funny enough, i ended up having a pretty great day, well, continued day..so if there's anyhting you should take away from all of this it's that sometimes you just have to take that bite, even if you don't want to maybe, you have to do what you know is right, even if it's the most difficult option.. who am i kidding? there's no deeper meaning behind this, i'm just an irresponsible drinker :)! anyway, i had another really good weekend, how was yours?
3rd November 2020 15:03
it's over and i feel like the whole world has stretched its arms, yawned, and stood up from my sore shoulders. you're not in my life anymore, and it feels great.
1st November 2020 23:56
this weekend was special. in some strange way they felt like my family, that they'd never hurt me. i know that to people in my surroundings i can seem as someone who's got a pretty easy time trusting people, getting comfortable. but i really am not, i'm just good at pretedning. we all sat around making up characters in the dark with only one candle in the middle of the floor as a source of light. we gave each other head pats and cuddles to feel less alone. we slept in the ocean of pillows and blankets and the glow from the tv that we'd turn down the volume on made it seem like we were in outer space. like watching the earth from afar.
i remember how the light looked. the fog was so thick you could see the strings of light sip out of the small pieces of sun we have everywhere around us. the air was like breathing in water but my lungs slowly breathed, up, down, up, down. i have never seen something as magical as that garage. at that moment my head was all that existed, and the lonely lamps that stay in the same place for so many years. it was like the whole world was dead, i was the only one left alive. life was not far away, but i felt like i had entered another reality. i stopped and watched that garage door for minutes, that could have been hours. i was so sure it somehow didn't exist. that it was a part of my imagination.. but i know i saw it. the bridge to the good side. in the foggy light and rainy pebbles in the street. i could have sworn i was the only one left on the entire planet.
or like today, when we woke them up by screaming lyrics to oasis songs while baking in the kitchen. they for sure hated us in that moment, but they laughed about it one hour later. and i danced around, i took space, because i knew i could. and then we stayed inside becasue it was raining, and we watched that stupid movie about jesus being a vampire hunter. we talked about plans about making such a bad and stupid movie on our own, and what the plot should be. whilist eating stange cinnamon buns and coffee mug cake. the leaves are really falling outside right now, aren't they? "i hate winter, but someday i am going to live up in Norrland."
i wonder if he's still walking? his cold bare feet leaving footprints behind him in the snow. with the sight of the old town made out of gears in the long distance. as the snow was falling he cried out because he was left out of the cage. they were all dead. and there was noting he could have done. they were all dead, and the circus is no more. he is forever alone.
29th October 2020 03:31
lately i've had a lot of feelings of guilt because i don't live with my dad. he's been a horrible father to me, the things he put my mom through when they were still together, how scared i was of him, all the drinking, screaming, breaking. and yet i still feel awful for not living at his place. i know it would make me depressed, because i tried a couple of years ago. everytime i was in the apartment it would feel like the walls were caving in and i'd hear him scream through the walls. i was scared as soon as i'd leave my room because i knew he whould sit there in the sofa watching tv in the dark, and that he wasn't afraid of spitting out his thoughts. dinners were the worst though, somehow they almost always ended in fights. he'd tell me i'm spoiled, that i don't appreciate him enough. it made me so angry, because he didn't know what was going on in my life, not really. he didn't know that i hid scars under my long sleeve shirts.
it's not until now a couple of years later (i lived every other week at my dad's apartment from november 2015 to january 2017) that i had other methods to hurt myself, that i didn't even realize at the time was that. i remember how i would shower in hot, hot water before i'd go to bed. i remember it burning my skin, and how it all became numb, my body, i couldn't feel my legs or my fingers. then i'd turn the degrees up even more. i almost fainted a couple of times, i would feel my head become light and my knees were weak. i remember one time in particular when my vision became black for just a couple of seconds and i sat down, i got so scared and i reached for the tap to pull it back to colder degrees, but my hands were trembling. i ended up turning off the water completely, and then i just sat there, breathing. i felt my skin, it felt as though i had just stepped out of boiling water. obviously it wasn't boiling water, or anywhere near that kind of temperature, but my fingers followed my skin and all i could think about was how dizzy i felt. of course i ignored it. it's like when you bleed from a cut, how many times do you actually go get band aids?
it's so scary when things you really haven't thought that much about for many years just pops up in your mind and you just can't leave it. it's like they're a heat up in 2 minutes pan pizza that has been laying in the freezer for 4 years and you find it while looking for something to eat for lunch and your stomach says, "fuck it, i really have no other option". i've heard that trauma can make someone respond in that way. and it's scary because i don't remember huge chunks of my childhood because of all the fear and stress i experienced. my biggest fear is that a horrible memory will surface out of nowhere and hit me like a bomb. it's like when you go back to your hometown after many years and you see all the corners of the schoolyard where you'd hang out with your friends during recess. and you see the old kiosk where you'd go and steal candy while waiting on the school bus home, and that place by the playground where you smoked your first cigarette or that place you and that girl always would meet with your bikes during summer to go to the lake, but then she moved elsewhere. it all comes back to you, with such a great big feeling of nostalgia.