20th April 2021 18:05


I had another amazing weekend last week, I met her again and we stayed up all night again and did drugs..again lol. It was so lovely! And I feel even closer to her now than I did before, I promise, we have some kind of deep deep connection that is bigger than us, I don't think we'll ever really understand it . I feel so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life who I love so much. It's difficult to comprehend or put into a sentence how much I love certiain people, and I've thought so much about that lately. How important it really is to focus on the people that you connect with and that you can see yourself be friends with in the future. Why spend time with people who you don't really..like? You know, you can appreciate them, and maybe have some fun when you're hanging out, but do you really feel like it's a friendship worth fighting for? I mean, people want different things out of a friendship, but what I've always wanted is understanding, love, adventure, trust, feeling that we both mean so much to each other. I want to spend more time with the people that make me so happy, that I feel that special connection with, who I truly can be me with.

The thing is, I realized today while we were sitting eating lunch, talking about being vulnerable, that I've stopped caring. People always care so much. You shouldn't be loud, don't take up space, for fuck's sake don't cry, don't show them how you actually feel, bottle it up! No, fuck that. I want to put myself out there, I want to be me to 100%. Wether that be the hyper, happy me, the adventurous me, the sad me, the laying on the floor crying me, the having anxiety when going to the store me, the frustrated me, the cuddly me, the druggie (lol) me. Because if you can't be yourself, what's the point? No, really, what's the point? I really think that embracing being vulnerable and showing the chaos, that's really the true way to see the beauty in the world. At least for me. I think that maybe that's why I have such wonderful people in my life, because I've been able to be myself with them and they've been able to be themselves for me, and we get through this constant panic attack that is being a teenager.

Like, I've been pondering about it a lot lately, why I feel, content, kind of, even if I'm really struggling right now. And even if I have for a really long time, and will for (probably) a really long time ahead of me. But I still feel so happy with myself, how my life is right now, in general. And I'm starting to think that might be just because I've stopped caring about putting on a fake smile, I've stopped caring about having secrets, I've stopped caring about the stigma that you shouldn't cry in front of others. I can't count all the times I've cried on the subway, or on the bus, or just by the bus stop. In the beginning I thought it was embarrassing to be so open with my emotions to others, but I couldn't help it, I just didn't know what else to do. And throughout the years I've met so many nice strangers who have been there for me when I've felt like no one cared, like my world was falling apart. Why are we so afraid of being soft? Why are we so scared of showing other humans that we're human too? Most people don't want to hurt you. Why engage in friendships and relationships having that wall up, it's all so surface level. And then you feel like shit, and then you die.

I feel like I am going somewhere with all of this. I feel like one day I'll be exactly who I want to be, have the kind of people in my life that I want to have, be where I want to be. I have a while left, of course, but just realizing that nothing matters. Really. Because someday I'm going to die and when that moment comes all I want is to feel is happiness as I drift into an eternal sleep. All I want is to have had all these adventures in my pocket, I want to have met so many wonderful people who I've formed strong bonds with. I want to feel like I truly have lived. And then when you think about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be more vulnerable? Maybe that's exactly what will get you to all these beautiful places, beautiful people. This is who I am, I'm going to live my life to the fullest, and that includes being a mess, being chaos, bawling my eyes out on the train,
take it or leave it (me).

11th April 2021 02:53


I love that we stayed up all night and just talked, talked about absolutely everything. I can't describe how special she is to me, how happy she makes me, how close I feel to her, how much I trust her. I love that we stayed up all night and I was awake for 38 hours, until I finally got sleepy in a call with Teddy. And I told him with so much happiness in my voice about the friday night me and her had. It's just like I feel that we understand each other in a different way, I've never met someone who understands me as much as she does. And I just feel so happy right now. Even though I've only slept for 4 hours, and the drugs are wearing off and I have so much schoolwork I need to do tomorrow because I've been procrastinating it this whole week. I just feel so, how do I put it, like happy to have the memories I have, and my friends. I know this is all over the place, I'm still not completely sober yet (or I shuldn't be otherwise it would be weird to feel like this lol).

But yeah, and friday!!! We hung out with each other from 17 on friday until 13 on saturday, non stop. And it felt so magical, because it all was like a dream. When I had to leave her to go on the bus I felt like I really didn't want to. I just keep thinking about how we sat on my bed, lines after lines, listened through all my cd's, had on all my fairy lights and when the clock hit 5 in the morning we started hearing all the birds. I don't think I'll ever forget that. A wave of songs, that never ended, it sounded so lively, like every part of the forest was a bird, all of the trees, the rocks. But when you actually looked outside it was still so dark, that it looked dead.

We'll see, maybe this happiness will have died down until tomorrow when reality hits me, but it's going to be okay. NOTE TO BUNNY TOMORROW : it'll be okay. It will all work out. I promise. And the thing is I actually feel it. YOU feel it. So, please don't stress too much over delayed argumentative essays or human genetics. My mind is so speratic right now, and it's really showing in the way I write...I really should get back to sleep. I hope I'll see you soon <3!!

27th March 2021 10:31


And once again, life has changed for me. I've realized that talking to people really does a lot. A LOT. I was scared in a way, what was waiting for me as I walked closer to the bench he was sitting on, but at the same time I knew nothing would've changed. I knew that he's still him, who i've known for so long, who I've been so close to, who I thought I was going to kill myself with. He'd see the same, that I'm still me, despite breaking his heart. And for the first time in so long, we just sat and talked. He dropped the sitting-smoking-while-drinking-coffee-mysterious-man look and instead he asked if I wanted a cigarette. And we sat and talked and talked. It felt good not having any filters, because I knew that nothing would change if I wasn't completely transparent. There's two sides to every story, and now it's good. Could you imagine?! It's good! We're good!

I couldn't get over it, that yesterday in school we sat outside during lunch, me, him and a friend. We sat in the spring sun, let the rays wash over us, as we heard music in the far distance playing somewhere on the streets. Birds were flying and the water looked blue again, not black. And we sat and laughed at something stupid. He smoked another cigarette, maybe that's the scar I left. Or maybe it was always meant to be like this. And they even invited me to make edibles with them, I had to decline though, but it's okay. Because it's now only 5 days until I see you again. And you don't understand how much I've missed you.

We talked yesterday after I almost had a flashback on the bus. To the car, from the boat, the water, and the roads. I thought I was going to die. I really, really did. And you called. We started talking about our traumas. I expressed that I am so scared that the parts of my brain trying to protect me would suddenly one day give me back more memories, because I know I have more, I know it. But at the same time, not having them scares me too. It goes against itself so much, but I feel like I have the right to know. I have the right to my own memories, I have the right to look at my 9 year old self and understand what she went through. I'm sorry that I can't remember. I'm so so sorry that you're in this alone. And we talked about self destruction, that it's something so prominent in both of our brains. Just different, but physical or mental; It's destruction of one self nonetheless. The more I get to know you the more I'm convinced that we're meant to be. The more I see how similar we are. The more I feel like we both went through all of this to get here. Where we are safe, where we can hold each other.

I tried telling you about my fear of destroying everyone who loves me. I tried telling you that the two people who have loved me the most both got suicidal because I left, because I couldn't commit anymore. Both of them, wanted to die. And my biggest fear is that I'm going to do the same to you, but you told me, that you're never going to kill yourself. But that I mean everything to you, that you couldn't see you without me. That you've never loved anyone as much as you love me. You said that you couldn't handle losing me to death. If I broke your heart, it would be different. Would it?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't write this, I love you. And I can see me and you walk through life for many years together, hand in hand. I hope I'll never lose you, and you'll never lose me. A promise, three words, a binding. 5 more days.
Jag älskar dig.

16th March 2021 18:58


These last couple of weeks have been amazing. Not in the way that everything has been good all the time, but that life has been so chaotic, and upside down, and sad, and happy, and euphoric. I've felt it all, and it is one of those times where I'm just in the in-between moments thinking, "I'll make it out alive, I know that now."

Two days ago I experienced it again, what I've missed so much, her and I on adventures once again. I've realized how much influence he had on me to do certain things, and to NOT do other. It felt so good to reach out to her again and a couple of weeks ago sit on the staircase in the middle of city smoking cigarettes, the same place where we bought the drugs from that old dude last year. We sat there, talked about everything, absolutely everything, and decided that fuck it, let's do it again. So this last saturday, we did it. It was a light blue nike shoe this time. After we had swallowed them we went outside to smoke and drink monster, and I remember it kicking in the same time as the nicotine, I was floating. And I lay down on my porch, and I screamed "now I feel so good, life is wonderful!", and she took a picture of me, floating in space. I guess that you've figured out what drug it is? If not, it's love. Pure, love. Ecstasy.

We walked around my neighborhood and just talked, we talked about everything and more of that everything. Even more everything than that time on the stairs. And it was like we were the only ones alive in the entire world, as the fog lay thick around the houses, and no one was awake. This time was so different from the first time. The first time I didn't think about him at all, my boyfriend at the time. We were going though hardships in our relationship and I remember not thinking about him once when I was high on ecstacy the first time, May of last year. Well, times have changed, and he's no longer in my life. I was fourtunate enough to have someone else love me, more than he ever loved me. I am so sure of this now. Because he cares so much. He tells me he loves me so much. He shows in his actions that I mean a lot to him. He puts up with me when I call him and feel anxious, or when I'm sad, or when I'm needy, or when I want to rant. He wants to hear me sing, and he wants to give me headpats. He puts up with when I call him when I'm drunk or high, and he doesn't judge me for loving the feeling I get from being completely gone. This time was so different, as I said, because this time I couldn't stop talking about him, my current boyfriend. I just kept on talking and talking and talking about him. How he's the sweetest guy I've ever met, and how good he treats me. He's showed me love I haven't experienced before, not from the outside nor from myself. And I called him, high on ecstacy and declared, he's the best person in the entire universe. And the day after, when the ecstacy had wore off, I still sat on the bus thinking the exact same thing, he's the best person in the entire universe.

I am so happy right now, becasue I have found such pure love. From both him and me, I know it's true. It's something so special that when he gets inside I can't help but tell him I love him, I have to tell him, I love him, when I'm at my most vunerable. I have yet to find words for it, how the love feels. None of the lovesongs or poems feel enough, it doesn't capture how much I wish he was here. How much I miss his precence.

17th February 2021 14:11


It's been over a month now, wow. Yesterday made it exactly a month since I decided to break up with him, the last day I hugged him, the last day we cried together. And not to sound horrible, but I catch myself sometimes with that ligering thought of time, the pase that it moves in. And I ask myself, now the horrible part, "why don't I miss him more?". I mean it makes sense, I was the one who decided to cut the chord, yes, but not even as a friend? No? Ok. I remember how I only a couple of months ago thought I couldn't live without him. Or how I a couple of years ago thought he'd be the one I'd die besides. I thought he was the love of my life, I thought it would be us forever...But feelings aren't that simple, are they?

I've found something different, as though I was sitting strumming my guitar and I found a new sound. I found something in between the cracks, a new type of light, not the cold blue one that you were, but a warm one. Almost pink, orange, like fire, kind of. And now I walk hand in hand with someone else, with a beautiful mind.

It's weird how it all can change so fast, and what 2021 has given me so far, how much is left? Damn, I am someone in a completely different universe than 1,5 months ago. And yet, it feels so right. It feels like everything's falling into place. The void is filling up, without you.

I wonder if you ever come back here? If you ever read what I write, If you'd even bother to hear what I have to say. You never did before, but maybe you would out of spite. I'll gladly tell you about it all. How it feels to be me. How my eyes have opened. And you can tell me about yours, I'll sit and listen. Maybe we'll laugh again someday. It's for you to decide, but I'm not waiting anymore.
I'll go out and live, I'll fall in love, I'll get high, I'll have conversations so beautiful they don't feel real, and I'll continue with my art and I'll have sex and I'll go to Berlin again, this time so without you.

Maybe the trees will have had leaves and lost them again until you'll look me in the eyes, and that's fine by me, life is handing me it all. And it's all I've ever wanted without knowing it. I changed everything, by the uttering of 5 words or so. And now I see it. I know I'll always have myself. With or without you; I'm happy. I'm so god damn happy. Everything is as it should be, I know that now.

3rd February 2021 00:30


Today I continued working on my sculpture, the ones with the flowers. I sat there with my hands covered in clay with the tv on in the background and I tried and tried and tried to make it the way I wanted it to be. But the clay didn't want to listen, it twisted and turned and fell apart and cracked. I was close to giving up as I started over again. And I started to think that, "it's going to be awful, isn't it?". A scary thought for an artist, at first. The more I thought about it, the more soothing it bacame. So what if it is awful, if it's ugly, maybe that's a part of the emotion in it? Because it's a part of me. Maybe I'm ugly on the inside right now? Maybe I have some healing I need to do. And it's okay. I want to be my art, I want to leave traces in all I do. This is me, my art, my life and my perspective on it. I hate to say it, but it's ugly sometimes.
I heard someone say something today (technically yesterday) that has stayed with me now until the late hours past midnight:

"If we're not growing, we're dying."

It hit me like a fucking truck, becasue it's so true...If we don't go work towards growing as humans, if it just stoppes right there. If we're stuck in the same mindset, the same small view of the world we have created for our very own eyes, we die. We're just dying. Because we are every minute of every hour, everyday, every year. And that's the harsh reality.

I want to get better. I feel like this year my ultimate "quest" //yes let me pretend that I'm in some kind of Adventure Island knock off NES 1986 in my livingroom in the dark with the only source of light being the tv on my way to rescue my version of Tina, myself.// will be to take up space. Let myself be loud, and noticed. Let myself create my art, and be proud of it. Becasue that's something I've been missing these last few years, allowing myself to take up space, letting myself have feelings, letting myself be the best version of me...
...As she is right now, maybe that will change in the future, forever growing. And you'll see,
I'll never die.

20th January 2021 18:12


I did it. In a way it felt like that day never would come, it wasn't something I thought would happen. But it's when you stop and actually look around that you see that maybe, just maybe, you are blinded by love.I dind't mean to destroy you, just like you dind't mean to destroy me. We had different methods, you and I. I did it quick and clean, you dragged it out, you drained me. Slowly. And I'll miss seeing your name pop up here and there, I know I'll miss the fantasies of what could have been. It feels like the blue skies I saw before now are clouded, by angry, dark, thunder clouds. And I can't seem to find shelter. The good times are blinded by the bad, and I am trying to hold my breath so water won't get in my lungs from this rainy weather. I've always loved rain, but you know how I get when it's a thunderstorm; you if anyone would know.
You if anyone would have known...

I feel like this is something you'll have to go through living on this planet, in this universe, existing in such painful nature. It has to happen. The more you love the more broken you'll be afterwards. And things all have their time. As I told you yesterday, and you said, "As an unwise woman said once 'Right person. Wrong time.'". And I felt it again. It all.

It's over, curtain call. I won't be seeing you for a while I guess, but I hope you have a good time and that you'll find yourself again. Until we meet again, I'll be waiting for you. But I won't be waiting to live my own life. I've learned that now...

K+S
✝ 02/04/2019 - 19/01/2021 ✝
I hope you'll find happiness beyond me.

13th January 2021 08:54


...And with that all the things we've experienced rose high up in the air and exploded.
I'm doing this for us. For me. And I know it's the best for both of us in the end. I feel like what once was beautiful and blossoming, fruit right in the beginning of spring has turned brown and rotten. I've found some kind of peace in that it all has its time, just like the seasons change..they do. And so do you. So do I.

I've played a lot of guitar lately. I don't know why but it's just so theraputic to sit and hit the strings with crow noices coming out of my mouth. It was my saving when the anxiety was too much; I haven't been able to leave my bed a lot lately. At the same time I've been so so so happy.
All I wish for is to not be alone.
And I apologize for making you lonely.

5th January 2021 02:55


I saw the snow pile up one snowflake at the time on the skylight in my room with the four pink walls. I had just put on a record for us to listen to, and then I went to sit on my bed. While you were on the floor, you opened your mouth, and with that I let my body fall towards my bedsheets. That's when I saw it.

I would lie to you if I told you that I haven't had the time of my life these last couple of days. Honestly, best new years so far! I was in the living room dancing to The 1975 as they started to tie their shoes yelling that 2020 would be over in 5 minutes. Cut to running down my street with fireworks going off above me. As drunk as I was (from all the shots I took with G so that she'd forget that he was there), I still knew that moment would be fleeting. I decided to live every second of it, dancing, running, screaming, admiring. And getting pulled in closer by someone as fireworks are going off, while the world lay hazy and blurry, it is a really special feeling. I couldn't imagine a better way to start 2021.

Fast forward 24 hours and I had put another drug in my body, will I ever stop? I have no recollection, nevermind. Anyway, we stood in the kitchen I couldn't stop eating cheese. I looked at everyone with such bright eyes, with happiness. Hugs, and laugh, and sex, it goes around. And I miss that night. And sometimes I wish things were different.

I am honestly excited for this year, I think I'm going to have so much fun. I think the roads I'll walk will bloom now, and I think I will start singing more. I wonder how the world will look in summer, when the grass is green again, and the warmth of the sun's still burning on our bare arms as it's falling over the horizon. I wonder who will be in my arms, softly breathing.
I won't want it to end this time. In 6 months or so, where will I be then? I feel like, for the first time in a while, I'm excited to live, to see the future.