20th April 2021 18:05
I had another amazing weekend last week, I met her again and we stayed up all night again and did drugs..again lol. It was so lovely! And I feel even closer to her now than I did before, I promise, we have some kind of deep deep connection that is bigger than us, I don't think we'll ever really understand it . I feel so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life who I love so much. It's difficult to comprehend or put into a sentence how much I love certiain people, and I've thought so much about that lately. How important it really is to focus on the people that you connect with and that you can see yourself be friends with in the future. Why spend time with people who you don't really..like? You know, you can appreciate them, and maybe have some fun when you're hanging out, but do you really feel like it's a friendship worth fighting for? I mean, people want different things out of a friendship, but what I've always wanted is understanding, love, adventure, trust, feeling that we both mean so much to each other. I want to spend more time with the people that make me so happy, that I feel that special connection with, who I truly can be me with.
The thing is, I realized today while we were sitting eating lunch, talking about being vulnerable, that I've stopped caring. People always care so much. You shouldn't be loud, don't take up space, for fuck's sake don't cry, don't show them how you actually feel, bottle it up! No, fuck that. I want to put myself out there, I want to be me to 100%. Wether that be the hyper, happy me, the adventurous me, the sad me, the laying on the floor crying me, the having anxiety when going to the store me, the frustrated me, the cuddly me, the druggie (lol) me. Because if you can't be yourself, what's the point? No, really, what's the point? I really think that embracing being vulnerable and showing the chaos, that's really the true way to see the beauty in the world. At least for me. I think that maybe that's why I have such wonderful people in my life, because I've been able to be myself with them and they've been able to be themselves for me, and we get through this constant panic attack that is being a teenager.
Like, I've been pondering about it a lot lately, why I feel, content, kind of, even if I'm really struggling right now. And even if I have for a really long time, and will for (probably) a really long time ahead of me. But I still feel so happy with myself, how my life is right now, in general. And I'm starting to think that might be just because I've stopped caring about putting on a fake smile, I've stopped caring about having secrets, I've stopped caring about the stigma that you shouldn't cry in front of others. I can't count all the times I've cried on the subway, or on the bus, or just by the bus stop. In the beginning I thought it was embarrassing to be so open with my emotions to others, but I couldn't help it, I just didn't know what else to do. And throughout the years I've met so many nice strangers who have been there for me when I've felt like no one cared, like my world was falling apart. Why are we so afraid of being soft? Why are we so scared of showing other humans that we're human too? Most people don't want to hurt you. Why engage in friendships and relationships having that wall up, it's all so surface level. And then you feel like shit, and then you die.
I feel like I am going somewhere with all of this. I feel like one day I'll be exactly who I want to be, have the kind of people in my life that I want to have, be where I want to be. I have a while left, of course, but just realizing that nothing matters. Really. Because someday I'm going to die and when that moment comes all I want is to feel is happiness as I drift into an eternal sleep. All I want is to have had all these adventures in my pocket, I want to have met so many wonderful people who I've formed strong bonds with. I want to feel like I truly have lived. And then when you think about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be more vulnerable? Maybe that's exactly what will get you to all these beautiful places, beautiful people. This is who I am, I'm going to live my life to the fullest, and that includes being a mess, being chaos, bawling my eyes out on the train,
take it or leave it (me).
11th April 2021 02:53
I love that we stayed up all night and just talked, talked about absolutely everything. I can't describe how special she is to me, how happy she makes me, how close I feel to her, how much I trust her. I love that we stayed up all night and I was awake for 38 hours, until I finally got sleepy in a call with Teddy. And I told him with so much happiness in my voice about the friday night me and her had. It's just like I feel that we understand each other in a different way, I've never met someone who understands me as much as she does. And I just feel so happy right now. Even though I've only slept for 4 hours, and the drugs are wearing off and I have so much schoolwork I need to do tomorrow because I've been procrastinating it this whole week. I just feel so, how do I put it, like happy to have the memories I have, and my friends. I know this is all over the place, I'm still not completely sober yet (or I shuldn't be otherwise it would be weird to feel like this lol).
But yeah, and friday!!! We hung out with each other from 17 on friday until 13 on saturday, non stop. And it felt so magical, because it all was like a dream. When I had to leave her to go on the bus I felt like I really didn't want to. I just keep thinking about how we sat on my bed, lines after lines, listened through all my cd's, had on all my fairy lights and when the clock hit 5 in the morning we started hearing all the birds. I don't think I'll ever forget that. A wave of songs, that never ended, it sounded so lively, like every part of the forest was a bird, all of the trees, the rocks. But when you actually looked outside it was still so dark, that it looked dead.
We'll see, maybe this happiness will have died down until tomorrow when reality hits me, but it's going to be okay. NOTE TO BUNNY TOMORROW : it'll be okay. It will all work out. I promise. And the thing is I actually feel it. YOU feel it. So, please don't stress too much over delayed argumentative essays or human genetics. My mind is so speratic right now, and it's really showing in the way I write...I really should get back to sleep. I hope I'll see you soon <3!!
27th March 2021 10:31
And once again, life has changed for me. I've realized that talking to people really does a lot. A LOT. I was scared in a way, what was waiting for me as I walked closer to the bench he was sitting on, but at the same time I knew nothing would've changed. I knew that he's still him, who i've known for so long, who I've been so close to, who I thought I was going to kill myself with. He'd see the same, that I'm still me, despite breaking his heart. And for the first time in so long, we just sat and talked. He dropped the sitting-smoking-while-drinking-coffee-mysterious-man look and instead he asked if I wanted a cigarette. And we sat and talked and talked. It felt good not having any filters, because I knew that nothing would change if I wasn't completely transparent. There's two sides to every story, and now it's good. Could you imagine?! It's good! We're good!
I couldn't get over it, that yesterday in school we sat outside during lunch, me, him and a friend. We sat in the spring sun, let the rays wash over us, as we heard music in the far distance playing somewhere on the streets. Birds were flying and the water looked blue again, not black. And we sat and laughed at something stupid. He smoked another cigarette, maybe that's the scar I left. Or maybe it was always meant to be like this. And they even invited me to make edibles with them, I had to decline though, but it's okay. Because it's now only 5 days until I see you again. And you don't understand how much I've missed you.
We talked yesterday after I almost had a flashback on the bus. To the car, from the boat, the water, and the roads. I thought I was going to die. I really, really did. And you called. We started talking about our traumas. I expressed that I am so scared that the parts of my brain trying to protect me would suddenly one day give me back more memories, because I know I have more, I know it. But at the same time, not having them scares me too. It goes against itself so much, but I feel like I have the right to know. I have the right to my own memories, I have the right to look at my 9 year old self and understand what she went through. I'm sorry that I can't remember. I'm so so sorry that you're in this alone. And we talked about self destruction, that it's something so prominent in both of our brains. Just different, but physical or mental; It's destruction of one self nonetheless. The more I get to know you the more I'm convinced that we're meant to be. The more I see how similar we are. The more I feel like we both went through all of this to get here. Where we are safe, where we can hold each other.
I tried telling you about my fear of destroying everyone who loves me. I tried telling you that the two people who have loved me the most both got suicidal because I left, because I couldn't commit anymore. Both of them, wanted to die. And my biggest fear is that I'm going to do the same to you, but you told me, that you're never going to kill yourself. But that I mean everything to you, that you couldn't see you without me. That you've never loved anyone as much as you love me. You said that you couldn't handle losing me to death. If I broke your heart, it would be different. Would it?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't write this, I love you. And I can see me and you walk through life for many years together, hand in hand. I hope I'll never lose you, and you'll never lose me. A promise, three words, a binding. 5 more days.
Jag älskar dig.
16th March 2021 18:58
These last couple of weeks have been amazing. Not in the way that everything has been good all the time, but that life has been so chaotic, and upside down, and sad, and happy, and euphoric. I've felt it all, and it is one of those times where I'm just in the in-between moments thinking, "I'll make it out alive, I know that now."
Two days ago I experienced it again, what I've missed so much, her and I on adventures once again. I've realized how much influence he had on me to do certain things, and to NOT do other. It felt so good to reach out to her again and a couple of weeks ago sit on the staircase in the middle of city smoking cigarettes, the same place where we bought the drugs from that old dude last year. We sat there, talked about everything, absolutely everything, and decided that fuck it, let's do it again. So this last saturday, we did it. It was a light blue nike shoe this time. After we had swallowed them we went outside to smoke and drink monster, and I remember it kicking in the same time as the nicotine, I was floating. And I lay down on my porch, and I screamed "now I feel so good, life is wonderful!", and she took a picture of me, floating in space. I guess that you've figured out what drug it is? If not, it's love. Pure, love. Ecstasy.
We walked around my neighborhood and just talked, we talked about everything and more of that everything. Even more everything than that time on the stairs. And it was like we were the only ones alive in the entire world, as the fog lay thick around the houses, and no one was awake. This time was so different from the first time. The first time I didn't think about him at all, my boyfriend at the time. We were going though hardships in our relationship and I remember not thinking about him once when I was high on ecstacy the first time, May of last year. Well, times have changed, and he's no longer in my life. I was fourtunate enough to have someone else love me, more than he ever loved me. I am so sure of this now. Because he cares so much. He tells me he loves me so much. He shows in his actions that I mean a lot to him. He puts up with me when I call him and feel anxious, or when I'm sad, or when I'm needy, or when I want to rant. He wants to hear me sing, and he wants to give me headpats. He puts up with when I call him when I'm drunk or high, and he doesn't judge me for loving the feeling I get from being completely gone. This time was so different, as I said, because this time I couldn't stop talking about him, my current boyfriend. I just kept on talking and talking and talking about him. How he's the sweetest guy I've ever met, and how good he treats me. He's showed me love I haven't experienced before, not from the outside nor from myself. And I called him, high on ecstacy and declared, he's the best person in the entire universe. And the day after, when the ecstacy had wore off, I still sat on the bus thinking the exact same thing, he's the best person in the entire universe.
I am so happy right now, becasue I have found such pure love. From both him and me, I know it's true. It's something so special that when he gets inside I can't help but tell him I love him, I have to tell him, I love him, when I'm at my most vunerable. I have yet to find words for it, how the love feels. None of the lovesongs or poems feel enough, it doesn't capture how much I wish he was here. How much I miss his precence.
17th February 2021 14:11
It's been over a month now, wow. Yesterday made it exactly a month since I decided to break up with him, the last day I hugged him, the last day we cried together. And not to sound horrible, but I catch myself sometimes with that ligering thought of time, the pase that it moves in. And I ask myself, now the horrible part, "why don't I miss him more?". I mean it makes sense, I was the one who decided to cut the chord, yes, but not even as a friend? No? Ok. I remember how I only a couple of months ago thought I couldn't live without him. Or how I a couple of years ago thought he'd be the one I'd die besides. I thought he was the love of my life, I thought it would be us forever...But feelings aren't that simple, are they?
I've found something different, as though I was sitting strumming my guitar and I found a new sound. I found something in between the cracks, a new type of light, not the cold blue one that you were, but a warm one. Almost pink, orange, like fire, kind of. And now I walk hand in hand with someone else, with a beautiful mind.
It's weird how it all can change so fast, and what 2021 has given me so far, how much is left? Damn, I am someone in a completely different universe than 1,5 months ago. And yet, it feels so right. It feels like everything's falling into place. The void is filling up, without you.
I wonder if you ever come back here? If you ever read what I write, If you'd even bother to hear what I have to say. You never did before, but maybe you would out of spite. I'll gladly tell you about it all. How it feels to be me. How my eyes have opened. And you can tell me about yours, I'll sit and listen. Maybe we'll laugh again someday. It's for you to decide, but I'm not waiting anymore.
I'll go out and live, I'll fall in love, I'll get high, I'll have conversations so beautiful they don't feel real, and I'll continue with my art and I'll have sex and I'll go to Berlin again, this time so without you.
Maybe the trees will have had leaves and lost them again until you'll look me in the eyes, and that's fine by me, life is handing me it all. And it's all I've ever wanted without knowing it. I changed everything, by the uttering of 5 words or so. And now I see it. I know I'll always have myself. With or without you; I'm happy. I'm so god damn happy. Everything is as it should be, I know that now.
3rd February 2021 00:30
Today I continued working on my sculpture, the ones with the flowers. I sat there with my hands covered in clay with the tv on in the background and I tried and tried and tried to make it the way I wanted it to be. But the clay didn't want to listen, it twisted and turned and fell apart and cracked. I was close to giving up as I started over again. And I started to think that, "it's going to be awful, isn't it?". A scary thought for an artist, at first. The more I thought about it, the more soothing it bacame. So what if it is awful, if it's ugly, maybe that's a part of the emotion in it? Because it's a part of me. Maybe I'm ugly on the inside right now? Maybe I have some healing I need to do. And it's okay. I want to be my art, I want to leave traces in all I do. This is me, my art, my life and my perspective on it. I hate to say it, but it's ugly sometimes.
I heard someone say something today (technically yesterday) that has stayed with me now until the late hours past midnight:
"If we're not growing, we're dying."
It hit me like a fucking truck, becasue it's so true...If we don't go work towards growing as humans, if it just stoppes right there. If we're stuck in the same mindset, the same small view of the world we have created for our very own eyes, we die. We're just dying. Because we are every minute of every hour, everyday, every year. And that's the harsh reality.
I want to get better. I feel like this year my ultimate "quest" //yes let me pretend that I'm in some kind of Adventure Island knock off NES 1986 in my livingroom in the dark with the only source of light being the tv on my way to rescue my version of Tina, myself.// will be to take up space. Let myself be loud, and noticed. Let myself create my art, and be proud of it. Becasue that's something I've been missing these last few years, allowing myself to take up space, letting myself have feelings, letting myself be the best version of me...
...As she is right now, maybe that will change in the future, forever growing. And you'll see,
I'll never die.
20th January 2021 18:12
I did it. In a way it felt like that day never would come, it wasn't something I thought would happen. But it's when you stop and actually look around that you see that maybe, just maybe, you are blinded by love.I dind't mean to destroy you, just like you dind't mean to destroy me. We had different methods, you and I. I did it quick and clean, you dragged it out, you drained me. Slowly. And I'll miss seeing your name pop up here and there, I know I'll miss the fantasies of what could have been. It feels like the blue skies I saw before now are clouded, by angry, dark, thunder clouds. And I can't seem to find shelter. The good times are blinded by the bad, and I am trying to hold my breath so water won't get in my lungs from this rainy weather. I've always loved rain, but you know how I get when it's a thunderstorm; you if anyone would know.
You if anyone would have known...
I feel like this is something you'll have to go through living on this planet, in this universe, existing in such painful nature. It has to happen. The more you love the more broken you'll be afterwards. And things all have their time. As I told you yesterday, and you said, "As an unwise woman said once 'Right person. Wrong time.'". And I felt it again. It all.
It's over, curtain call. I won't be seeing you for a while I guess, but I hope you have a good time and that you'll find yourself again. Until we meet again, I'll be waiting for you. But I won't be waiting to live my own life. I've learned that now...
✝ 02/04/2019 - 19/01/2021 ✝
I hope you'll find happiness beyond me.
13th January 2021 08:54
...And with that all the things we've experienced rose high up in the air and exploded.
I'm doing this for us. For me. And I know it's the best for both of us in the end. I feel like what once was beautiful and blossoming, fruit right in the beginning of spring has turned brown and rotten. I've found some kind of peace in that it all has its time, just like the seasons change..they do. And so do you. So do I.
I've played a lot of guitar lately. I don't know why but it's just so theraputic to sit and hit the strings with crow noices coming out of my mouth. It was my saving when the anxiety was too much; I haven't been able to leave my bed a lot lately. At the same time I've been so so so happy.
All I wish for is to not be alone.
And I apologize for making you lonely.
5th January 2021 02:55
I saw the snow pile up one snowflake at the time on the skylight in my room with the four pink walls. I had just put on a record for us to listen to, and then I went to sit on my bed. While you were on the floor, you opened your mouth, and with that I let my body fall towards my bedsheets. That's when I saw it.
I would lie to you if I told you that I haven't had the time of my life these last couple of days. Honestly, best new years so far! I was in the living room dancing to The 1975 as they started to tie their shoes yelling that 2020 would be over in 5 minutes. Cut to running down my street with fireworks going off above me. As drunk as I was (from all the shots I took with G so that she'd forget that he was there), I still knew that moment would be fleeting. I decided to live every second of it, dancing, running, screaming, admiring. And getting pulled in closer by someone as fireworks are going off, while the world lay hazy and blurry, it is a really special feeling. I couldn't imagine a better way to start 2021.
Fast forward 24 hours and I had put another drug in my body, will I ever stop? I have no recollection, nevermind. Anyway, we stood in the kitchen I couldn't stop eating cheese. I looked at everyone with such bright eyes, with happiness. Hugs, and laugh, and sex, it goes around. And I miss that night. And sometimes I wish things were different.
I am honestly excited for this year, I think I'm going to have so much fun. I think the roads I'll walk will bloom now, and I think I will start singing more. I wonder how the world will look in summer, when the grass is green again, and the warmth of the sun's still burning on our bare arms as it's falling over the horizon. I wonder who will be in my arms, softly breathing.
I won't want it to end this time. In 6 months or so, where will I be then? I feel like, for the first time in a while, I'm excited to live, to see the future.
31st December 2020 11:29
So this is it, huh? Another year has passed. For some reason it feels like this year has been going on for way too long, as though there was more than 365 days this year. Felt like 529 days. In a way I want to think all of this through, despite the innocent hopeful feelig in my stomach I always felt when I was younger being gone by this point, that I can't help but feel so sentimental about the time that has passed. How I stray further and futher away from the happy memories and how they slowly but surely gets suffocated in the later years of my childhood. I can't help but think about all the dreams I used to have that I've just given up now. I'll never be an author or an actress, I'll never play piano, I'm sorry..
And not to mention the dreams I had for this year. I was so excited when 2020 started, and I really thought it would be better than 2019. Now I know that it really doesn't matter what year it is, how good you actually have it without realizing it; People will always be miserable. This year was really a great, big dumpster fire in your backyard. That even might, just might, start a whole forest fire if the flames go just a little higher. We all know the elephant in the room, the substances. Oh, how I absolutely fucking hate that I see my dad in myself sometimes.
I need to take better care of myself. I just have to. I never want to re-live a month like that one. I never want to meet you ever again, not after what you fucking did to me. The thing is, the easiest, most simple way I can put 2020 is just heartbreak. My heart has cracked so many times this year; when you cried in front of me so violently I thought you were going to start ripping your hair out, when she wore my shirt wehn she tried to od, when she left me alone, all the times when I tried to sleep at night but my brain wouldn't let me, when she tried to kill herself in front of my very eyes. I have been through things and witnessed things I never would think I would. And I've been bad. I have. I can't deny that. But on a more positive note, com'on Sofi stop spreading sadness around you like pollution, think positive! Think you know, IDK, rainbows, strawberries and bunnies or something?? (I don't really know how to do this?)
OKAY BUT ON A HAPPIER NOTE, 2020 was fucking awful, both for me as an individual and just the whole world (flames I see flames and fire everywhere there's no escape). At the same time though I feel like I had to go through all this to reach a point where I will be happy, someday. Now, that day certainly isn't today, or in the near future...but it's coming. The thing is the idea of "being happy" is something I've never really understood. Being happy in perspective of your whole life isn't that easy of a concept to grasp somehow, and honestly I don't know if that's what I really want. I want all the emotions, I want to feel happiness, yet I want to be able to cry sometimes, be angry, scream, and then hug my pillow thinking "I'll be alright".
What I'm saying is, I don't want endless happiness, I just want to wake up and feel like I can get out of bed. I don't want to constantly smile, I just want to have those moments when I'm sitting on a train somewhere looking out at all the people on the sidewalks and I have that feeling inside that just says "is this what happiness might be?".
I have to say it, as much as I hate it, but thank you 2020. Really, thank you. Thank you for giving me new experiences, thank you for giving me knowlege, thank you for all the good times despite it all, thank you for helping me connect with myself more. Thank you for holding me, for letting me live, letting me get better, I will. Another year's over, and tomorrow will be exactly the same. Yet different. I'll never have to live through it again.
So long, and thanks for all the rooftops I got to see the view from this year.
21st December 2020 10:17
My mind keeps bringing up things I'd rater forget. Images of people laughing; Images of people dancing; Images of people singing. I keep on seeing the way he looked at his friends, then nodded towards me. The way she left me, a state of total confusion. I didn't know what was happeing. Why did I deserve this? -It's redemption.
My head hurts thinking about it, I wish it could stop. But I just keep on seeing it; Skin, skin, skin. Pants off? No, let them stay on. That glade; the dust in the air, for the sun was on its way up now. No one really knows, barely I do. Yet, the images shows up, now and then.
Nothing more, nothing less. I hold my hands up to the sun and close my eyes.
14th December 2020 12:49
I can't believe it's already December. That's crazy to me. It really does feel like time goes 3 times faster than it usually does, or, did I guess. And even though there's no snow outside (I really hope it's a "but not for long!" situation. Winter without snow seems useless..) it is so prominent now that winter is here. That yule is here in a couple of days, and then 2021, and then..the rest of our lifes. Wether how long or short it will be. I have found myself in a state of nothingness again, does anyone feel the same way? I mean, I've always had a moderately nihilistic view on the existensial mening of life, youknow, we have really no reason to be here, life is meaningless. But I usually have an optimistic way of viewing my inner nihilist, so that rather than "life is meaningless i wanna die" it's more like "life is meaningless, therefore i can do whatever i want and live as i please." But now, haha, now it's like my senses have gotten blurred: I can't taste the happiness; I can't feel the sparks; hear the birds. Everything just feels so bland, why am I doing this if it will all just go to waste? But I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die, not at all, I just feel like everything is weighting me down and I have a hard time picking up all the heavy bags I am currently carrying in my long lanky arms. I keep dropping them, and I try to reach down to pick them up, but I only end up dropping even more of the bags. It's an endless loop.
Enough of this fucking melancholiness. I talked to Tet at like 1am tonight, and we talked about what's going on. How both of our minds are clogged at the moment. Think of it as a kitchen sink, all of the water that goes down the drain into the sewers is something you really take for granted. Like one day you notice it won't go down, so you start digging down the drain trying to find the cause of the problem and you end up pulling out this gross gunk of sewerslime and stings and chunks. You gag at the sight of it. That's how it's like. I have so many thoughts in my head that I never share and they get stuck...and it overflows..
And just like that I yet again, am searching for something to take me out of here. A temporary feeling that can cut my head open with a saw and save little me from it. From drowning. Fuck, now I sound like Oli, oh well, what can I say?
2ra December 2020 00:09
Jag är helt och hållet övertygad om att tiden inte existerar nu som den gjorde förut. Allt känns annorlunda nu för tiden, att sitta och dricka te, att hålla en konversation med människor man kännt i flera år. Att befinna sig någonstanns, att ligga i sängen, vakna upp på morgonen. Samtidigt kommer jag inte riktigt ihåg hur det kändes förut, jag vet bara att någon dag måste vi alla ha gått upp på morgonen och inträffat oss i en annan tid. Och så fortsatte vi med vår dag som om ingenting hänt. Jag kommer ihåg att jag hakade upp mig på något liknande för några år sedan, om att vakna upp i en helt annan värld utan att ens veta om det. Frågan om när våra hjärnor förändras, när vi vaknar upp och inte är barn längre, när vi vaknar upp till tragedi. Kommer du ihåg sista natten du kunde sova? Kommer du ihåg sista morgonen du vaknade och inte fortfarande var trött?
Jag har tappat förmågan att se någon annan tid än nu. Jag kan se svart och vitt, men aldrig grått. Framtiden finns inte längre. Dåtiden kommer aldrig igen. Jag är här i den här timman i den här minuten och sekunden som snart är förbi. Jag är där jag hittar mig själv, där min hjärna får ro. Ibland blir väggarna för små och vad som finns inom mig rinner över, det rinner ut överallt. Jag vet inte hur jag ska visa det inom mig, vad är definitionen av konst? Min hjärnsubstans på golvet, vid dina fötter, jag färgar kaklet rött med min högljudhet. Det var ju dumtdetverkar som att vi blir kvarhärett tag.
24th November 2020 07:30
yesterday someone told me that they envy my passion. i looked at them with surprise, not really sure what to say. i've never really experienced myself as a passionate person, but when i asked what they meant by that thet said "you always go in 100% doing the things you do." and it hit me. the things is, this is another consequence to my depression, or rather, what i did to learn how to cope with my depression. almost exactly two years ago i hit rock bottom, i barely remember how i survived the winter of 2018. but i remember how after two months of constant crying and desperately trying to understand how to exist without feeling pain i hit a wall (metaphorically) and something switched. instead i happened to find myself in this manic-like state. i sat and scribbled on papers for hours, trying to find out the meaning of existance. why was i put here, what for? why do i feel all this pain? was i supposed to feel like this forever?
i searched for reasons to let myself go of my constant self critical grip manipulated by hatred. i tried to find reasons to not execute myself, why did i deserve to live? what gave me permission to be? can i change my world view? but how?.
i read the perks of being a wallflower in 3 days, and i furiously took notes, highlighted, wrote song lyrics in that copy of the classic novel. and that was how i found the smiths. in the book, charlie made a mixtape called "one winter", and both the opening song and the absolute last was "asleep" by the smiths. it quickly became one of my favorite songs at the time.
sing me to sleep
sing me to sleep
and then leave me alone
don't try to wake me in the morning
'cause i will be gone
don't feel bad for me
i want you to know
deep in the cell of my heart
i will feel so glad to go
sing me to sleep
sing me to sleep
i don't want to wake up
on my own anymore
i just needed something, anything, to set me into a spiral, and this small insignificant book and song did. because i found meaning in something, i found something to hold onto. if reality got too dull, if i felt myself slipping away in small cracks in reality that would inevitably lead me down the path i've been on so many times; standing there crying, not understanding how to exist. being unable to see myself existing in the nearest hour because of all the pain i felt inside, i didn't know how to handle it.
so i ended up setting up rules for myself that i slowly would work towards, and i thought i could share a couple of them here.
i'll call this, a series of revelations for the fragmented:
1) you are NOT SPECIAL. you couldv'e been born as anyone in the entire world, so stop behaving like you deserve a different kind of treatment just because you happen to be this very person. you could have just as well been your own friend, or acquaintance. step outside your body and look at yourself struggle, and treat yourself as you'd treat a friend in need. be kind to yourself.
2) allow yourself to feel small bursts of strong happiness over small things, like seeing a cute dog on your way to the bus. you might have to pretend in the beginning, but soon enough you'll feel genuine happiness over the smallest of things. and when you're not happy in the big picture, starting small is a good place to start
3) don't ever settle for "enough", this is your life, you decide over your own. if things are just enough you're not living, fight, fight to get what you feel like you need to do to feel alright. it's okay to go a little crazy during this time period, i did, as you might can tell.
4) when reality gets difficult to recognice because the pain is expanding, take that pain and with all your energy put it into an object. look at it, spew swerwords and frustration on it if you want to, or just observe. look at your own pain from another perspective, in something else rather than your own body. feel it leave your body, look at it for what it is. and let that feeling breathe, feel yourself getting steadier, feel your feet on the ground. you are here, you will not be eaten alive by the void.
5) start living for yourself; no one else. stop caring what others think, they are only temporary; in your life you are forever. live and let live.
6) realize that by dying your pain does NOT ceace to exist, it'll only be passed down to someone else.
19th November 2020 20:21
We spoke again yesterday. I've talked a lot to Dan lately. I wish he lived closer so we could do all the things we've talked about doing. Anyway, why does it always feel like I haven't met you in weeks when it's only been a day? I was hoping I wouldn't feel like this at this point of our relationship, but yet, I still depend on you. I still need you to breathe.
Right now I'm listening to "Save me a spark" live recording by Sleeping With Sirens. I remember listening to this while crying in my room, the four pink walls that hold so much, the things they have seen. the stuffed animals from my childhood, all my clothes, my memories, the alcohol I hide from my mom, the weed, the sex. Believe it or not, I think I am getting used to growing up. I am starting to get used to knowing how horrible the world can be, getting used to getting drunk, getting used to wake up in the morning NEEDING my beloved coffee; WITHOUT my COFFEE I become a fucking demon and I will scratch off all the paint from the walls and eat your whole family if you don't GIVE ME MY MORNING COFFEE. As I joke about to all my friends, I am a proud caffeine addict. There's truth behind every joke, right? Wait, let me count, how long do I have left: 17 days and 10 months, then I'll hit the big ten and eight. Great! I have so much illegal shit I want to do beforehand. I don't know if something is wrong with me, but committing crimes are kind of sexy. I mean of course it depends on what kind of crime you commit lol. But like, fuckkk, robbery, grand theft auto, drugs, stealing, break in and entering, TAKE ME NOW. I'm really a sad, sad, sad teenage coming-of-age fucking sentimental sob story wannabe protagonist. I make people disappointed by just looking at me! Why waste so much of your life making others worse?
Who are you trying to be?
"I'm sure there'll be light at the end of the path before you. So promise me...you'll have a big smile on when you find it. And you'll eat bread here with me again with that smile on."
14th November 2020 16:13
all is good, all is good.
10th November 2020 01:22
i fell down into the hole again. of existance, death, purity. i hate purity culture, but i can't help but obsess over it. no one really cares. no one cares about religion anymore, everyone drinks, everyone takes drugs, have sex, self harm. sometimes it all blurrs together and becomes this great big mass of emotion and restrain. sometimes i catch myself dozing off, i see in the mirror how red my eyes are, i stand up only to almost fall. i know how cliche it sounds, but i am convinced that love is one of the most lethal drugs. yes, it's most definitely a drug. a highly addictive one too. i disappear in him, like he's a big black hole celestial body. i get all tangled up, and lightheaded. when he lifts me up the whole world is sinning and when he holds me down by my throat, all in control. he is light, he is the substance i consume, and he is the one who is pressing me up against a wall with claws and blood dripping down. i am helpless. he makes me feel like i am good, because he thinks i am. but at the same time he's the one who's seen me in every kind of situation, all seasons. and it makes me surprised, actually. i used to think he knew me too much to love me. that this glorified innocent picture of me was soaked in the blood i caused myself to bleed, the tears from my eyes, the vodka i've downed and the cum from all the times. but, he's still here. and i'm still here.
but this was not what all of this was supposed to be about, but as so happened. i'll talk about it some other day, i guess. i just realized that i unconsciously wrote about space multiple times just now, huh. i've just started to read "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy", and in a second i'm going to continue it. the problem is how much it reminds me of my dad. how many references to that book i grew up with without knowing, it was just facts. how he would tell me and my siblings to sit down around the table, reeking of whiskey and with wide but tired eyes. he always said the same thing, "come here and i'll tell you, something, really, really important" and then he'd say "jag ska berätta för er om Livet, Universum och Allt. Svaret är 42." ("i'll tell you about Life, the Universe and Everything. the Answer is 42"), and when we'd ask why that is so, why 42? he'd always say, with a grin, "it's just how the Universe works...and Life...and the Everything."
8th November 2020 23:46
today i woke up with a pounding head and spinning vision. the mistakes of yesterday were prominent when i tried to sit up in the bed but i fell straight down again. he grabbed my body and pulled me closer, held me tight. i gave up, and went back to sleep.
it was a saturday, at 3 pm, and we were standing by the port waiting, 17-23, "are you sure this is the right place?". i was anxious, i hadn't bought alcohol from a dealer like this for a long while. with every person walking past, every car driving bad i uttered the words "do you think that's him?" no, and again, no. 20 minutes later and we were on the strain back to the central, this time with 3 liters of smirnoff cramped into our bags as we pretended like nothing when the glass bottles hit each other in there making a loud "klirr" sound. we went to eat fries at a miscellaneous burger place, chatting about the protest going on outside. "good for us we're not them, we are safe here as consumers of the capital agenda. we have nothing to worry about, glad to be from here! i mean the world is dark and grousome and sad and they are probably trying to convey a really important message but i don't know i even should listen, wouldn't it be kind of weird? what does all of this have to do with me anyway?! seems like they want to spread awareness about a war somewhere or something ok but what snacks do you want to buy for tonight?"
(not a conversation that actually happened, which in and of itself says a lot)
oh yeah,i was going to tell you about when we got drunk! yes! back to fun things! we came up with the idea to play among us and take a shot when you lose. i highly recommend it! chaos broke lose when we were around 5 shots in. somehow i ended up in the bathroom with him. we were in the bathtub as he kissed me the way he does, like it's the only thing he wants to do for the rest of his life. there is something about being young and in love, it's the definition of purety, childlike hopes and dreams. we are two but as one and it will be like that forever and forever, always.
as i told monty earlier this night, if alcohol has taught me anything it's that it really does get better when you feel like absolute garbage. really! this moring i felt so bad. we dragged our feet out of bed at 12:58 and i said hello to a lovely 2 hour puking session. i looked at that avocado toast with disgust because i knew i had to eat something because my stomach was completely empty, and i felt like there was a big black hole inside of me, so empty that it had started consuming my insides instead as a way to get at least something. when i finally after hours of groaning and procrastinating the first bite i did it, and they cheered for me. my poor body.
funny enough, i ended up having a pretty great day, well, continued day..so if there's anyhting you should take away from all of this it's that sometimes you just have to take that bite, even if you don't want to maybe, you have to do what you know is right, even if it's the most difficult option.. who am i kidding? there's no deeper meaning behind this, i'm just an irresponsible drinker :)! anyway, i had another really good weekend, how was yours?
1st November 2020 23:56
this weekend was special. in some strange way they felt like my family, that they'd never hurt me. i know that to people in my surroundings i can seem as someone who's got a pretty easy time trusting people, getting comfortable. but i really am not, i'm just good at pretedning. we all sat around making up characters in the dark with only one candle in the middle of the floor as a source of light. we gave each other head pats and cuddles to feel less alone. we slept in the ocean of pillows and blankets and the glow from the tv that we'd turn down the volume on made it seem like we were in outer space. like watching the earth from afar.
i remember how the light looked. the fog was so thick you could see the strings of light sip out of the small pieces of sun we have everywhere around us. the air was like breathing in water but my lungs slowly breathed, up, down, up, down. i have never seen something as magical as that garage. at that moment my head was all that existed, and the lonely lamps that stay in the same place for so many years. it was like the whole world was dead, i was the only one left alive. life was not far away, but i felt like i had entered another reality. i stopped and watched that garage door for minutes, that could have been hours. i was so sure it somehow didn't exist. that it was a part of my imagination.. but i know i saw it. the bridge to the good side. in the foggy light and rainy pebbles in the street. i could have sworn i was the only one left on the entire planet.
or like today, when we woke them up by screaming lyrics to oasis songs while baking in the kitchen. they for sure hated us in that moment, but they laughed about it one hour later. and i danced around, i took space, because i knew i could. and then we stayed inside becasue it was raining, and we watched that stupid movie about jesus being a vampire hunter. we talked about plans about making such a bad and stupid movie on our own, and what the plot should be. whilist eating stange cinnamon buns and coffee mug cake. the leaves are really falling outside right now, aren't they? "i hate winter, but someday i am going to live up in Norrland."
i wonder if he's still walking? his cold bare feet leaving footprints behind him in the snow. with the sight of the old town made out of gears in the long distance. as the snow was falling he cried out because he was left out of the cage. they were all dead. and there was noting he could have done. they were all dead, and the circus is no more. he is forever alone.
29th October 2020 03:31
lately i've had a lot of feelings of guilt because i don't live with my dad. he's been a horrible father to me, the things he put my mom through when they were still together, how scared i was of him, all the drinking, screaming, breaking. and yet i still feel awful for not living at his place. i know it would make me depressed, because i tried a couple of years ago. everytime i was in the apartment it would feel like the walls were caving in and i'd hear him scream through the walls. i was scared as soon as i'd leave my room because i knew he whould sit there in the sofa watching tv in the dark, and that he wasn't afraid of spitting out his thoughts. dinners were the worst though, somehow they almost always ended in fights. he'd tell me i'm spoiled, that i don't appreciate him enough. it made me so angry, because he didn't know what was going on in my life, not really. he didn't know that i hid scars under my long sleeve shirts.
it's not until now a couple of years later (i lived every other week at my dad's apartment from november 2015 to january 2017) that i had other methods to hurt myself, that i didn't even realize at the time was that. i remember how i would shower in hot, hot water before i'd go to bed. i remember it burning my skin, and how it all became numb, my body, i couldn't feel my legs or my fingers. then i'd turn the degrees up even more. i almost fainted a couple of times, i would feel my head become light and my knees were weak. i remember one time in particular when my vision became black for just a couple of seconds and i sat down, i got so scared and i reached for the tap to pull it back to colder degrees, but my hands were trembling. i ended up turning off the water completely, and then i just sat there, breathing. i felt my skin, it felt as though i had just stepped out of boiling water. obviously it wasn't boiling water, or anywhere near that kind of temperature, but my fingers followed my skin and all i could think about was how dizzy i felt. of course i ignored it. it's like when you bleed from a cut, how many times do you actually go get band aids?
it's so scary when things you really haven't thought that much about for many years just pops up in your mind and you just can't leave it. it's like they're a heat up in 2 minutes pan pizza that has been laying in the freezer for 4 years and you find it while looking for something to eat for lunch and your stomach says, "fuck it, i really have no other option". i've heard that trauma can make someone respond in that way. and it's scary because i don't remember huge chunks of my childhood because of all the fear and stress i experienced. my biggest fear is that a horrible memory will surface out of nowhere and hit me like a bomb. it's like when you go back to your hometown after many years and you see all the corners of the schoolyard where you'd hang out with your friends during recess. and you see the old kiosk where you'd go and steal candy while waiting on the school bus home, and that place by the playground where you smoked your first cigarette or that place you and that girl always would meet with your bikes during summer to go to the lake, but then she moved elsewhere. it all comes back to you, with such a great big feeling of nostalgia.