this is the place where i share thoughts from inside my head for strangers on the internet to read, enjoy! :^)

❀ ✿ ❀ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟ//ᴠᴇɴᴛs ❀ ✿ ❀
✿ ❀ ✿ ᴍʏ ʟɪsᴛ ᴏғ sᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ✿ ❀ ✿


ᴅɪᴀʀʏ ᴀʀᴄʜɪᴠᴇ


20th december 2021 01:09
Making that decision to truly prioritize myself this time around was something I should have done a long time ago. There was just so much anxiety that just left. I feel free, I feel like I can see more clear, I feel like I can see more beauty again. Yesterday as I was taking a walk I was questioning what I should do about all this, me being a lot, you inevitable hurting me. I decided that it's not worth it anymore, that I should wake up, see my own value and let myself walk away from a situation I don't find myself to be happy in. And as I was listening to "I want the world to stop" the sun started to set. I leave, I guess. I'm one of those. I leave before you hurt me more, I leave before you leave me.
I tried, I really did. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you.

But I guess, time will tell.

It's kind of ironic, in a sense, that song you said reminded you of me a couple of days ago;
There she goes, waving goodbye
There she goes in sunshine
There she goes, feeling fine
There she goes above time

16th November 2021 16:36

Times change. And when I'm sitting here writing it's already dark outside. And I feel quite bad. In a way I don't know what to say that I haven't said before. My dog died, and I still can't sleep. I did get prescribed medication today though, but of course I forgot to go pick it up, so guess I won't sleep tonight either. It's strange how I can feel such a difference in myself, my mood, my world view, how my brain is working when it gets darker. But I'm still me, somehow. I still find myself in dumb situations and I go with it, I laugh, enjoy, overreact, love. But it feels like I'm not me. Because it's not working the same in my brain as it used to. And it's so frustrating, because it really doesn't matter how much I build up when I'm better. It doesn't matter how much I do to make myslef come to better terms with my mental health issues because after all it all still crashes down once fall and winter arrives. And it all feels so useless. But I don't let it take up space, I don't let it overflow me. Because despite it all I'm so in love, so so in love. With him, the way he smiles when I call him cute, his hugs, with her, her smile, the way she loves me back in such a hopeless way, the way she tells me how much I mean to her. I'm in love with love. With the feeling of my friends hugging me, asking me to do something, sitting on a train on my way to another place, being drunk catching up, ending up somewhere where I never thought I'd be. I'm ashamed, but it feels okay. All the things I've done to the girl I used to be, everything she and I have been through. I'm so in love. The street lights on my way home and the darkness that's everywhere in all directions and to rant about it all to you. It's overwhelming how perfect life can be but how bad you still can feel. Going up to stranges asking them about their day, laughing, seeing the world in stripes of light and fog. I am so in love with the temporary.
I miss you Miso, I wish wo could have you with us forever, but we let the door be open for you to leave. But I think you left a part of yourself here, because you knew we still need you. The house stands empty without.

30th october 2021 01:26

Maybe my mother is right, maybe you're still with us. Maybe you're still walking around downstairs looking out for us, but we can't see that. I stood in the kitchen with her talking about death, it's so prevalent in this house; there's a hole where you used to be. A void. We can all see it and feel it, and it hurts so much. She had just told me that maybe she does believe in heaven, not god, no. But heaven. And I thought for a second, and I said that maybe when we die our soul gets split into different pieces, and that those pieces go to the places they have to be. Where someone needs them. And I think you understood that, and that a piece of you still is here. Miso, I can't explain how much you meant to me, our family. You were not just a dog, you had so much personality and I've never met a dog like that before. It feels like I'll meet you again someday, somehow. But until then I'll miss you every second.
I feel incredibly lucky to have had you, and I hope you feel the same about us.

♡ Miso ♡
2010 - 2021

17th october 2021 08:09

I'm falling into depression again, but I guess that's okay. I knew it would happen eventually, and even though I feel stuck my mind has its ways of seeing beauty. It's kind of like, no matter how depressed I get, my head is still searching for small things to hold onto. I can still appreciate all the colors the leaves take or the pure bliss of sitting at a café and connect to the public wifi and read manga. At this rate I might get a virus, ouchh. It all just kinda feels so painfully okay, if you get what I mean. I don't feel like I'm going forward at the moment, but in fact, by just being here finding reasons to stay alive I'm going somewhere. I am my own, with or without power. Maybe I should learn to love myself more, because one thing is certain, we will always, always have ourselves. Yeah, maybe that's what I need to do. Start focusing on me, not everyone else. I feel like I've been here before though, as if I've lived it all once before. I find myself and then I lose it again. Maybe there is nothing I can do about it, become my own best friend. The streets are familiar. I walk them sporadically throughout, I walk them once more.

I feel a sense of calmness as I move forward, as I go home. I know it's never going to be easy really, but I'll live. I'll live. I'll live.

30th september 2021 17:36

I am endlessly happy, I am a big planet in the Universe, polaris, I burst.

Everything feels so good, I came home today and I lay down in my bed listening to "Was it something I said" and cuddled my cat that I'm so lucky to have in my life. I'm so happy because I get to be here, despite it all. Despite the pain, the drama, explosivity. I am so happy to be me, so happy to be human. It feels like we're so prone to patronize ourselves for being what we are; flesh and blood; person on legs (usually), a beating heart (hopefully); tangles, heartbreak, emotions; humans. You know what? I am a mess sometimes, sometimes I am impulsive, sometimes I fuck up, sometimes I fuck people up, sometimes I'm selfish, sometimes I fall in love. But don't we all? I don't think anyone has a clean slate, no one is ever clean. The kindest people have messed up, and the most mean people have had people mess them up. It's a never ending cycle, because people are difficult to understand, people are messy, people are unreasonable. We can't really go from the standpoint that people should be perfect, or that we ourselves should be. We feel things, most of the time it doesn't even make sense. We make bad desicions for no reason. I feel happy, even though I've made "mistakes", I'm happy even though I fucked you up, I feel happy even though I broke hearts, I'm happy even though I sometimes talk too much. I am happy that I get to feel, in a sense I'm happy I got to go through all this because I've learned so much from it. You fucked me up as well, we all fuck up each other. So why even bother that much? At least when it's not a crime. I've done bad things, yes, but I don't think I deserve to die a painful death or live with regrets all my life, becuase I'm human. It's a fine line, I know, you can't forgive everything. But sometimes, just sometimes, maybe it's okay. Maybe it's okay that they wronged you, maybe it's okay that you wronged someone else. After all we're all just trying to navigate, after all we're all just dumb fucking teens who are supposed to make mistakes. We get to learn, get to grow. And I'm happy, It's been hectic, but the calm after the storm is nice. It just stopped raining, and I can go outside in the autumn dark and breathe.

I take a moment and breathe
I take a moment and fill it with bliss
I feel free from pain
Pain I've laid onto
Pain I've been through
Maybe you're not forgiven
But the world gives itself to you

27th september 2021 00:34

Soo, I'm 18 now, huh? Who am I kidding, it's not really news to me since my birthday was almost 2 weeks ago lol. But yeah, here I am, 18 and all,, adult???
I don't really feel like one since life is as chaotic as before. Man, sometimes I feel so done with being a teenager. I feel like moving to another city and starting over (don't want to leave my amazing friends though, guys can't you come with me?) or just let myslef some room to breathe. I feel like I'm bad at stopping, I'm bad at giving myself time. I'm bad at thinking it through and actually letting myself do nothing for a moment. Maybe that's something I should learn durning my 18? I still feel like taking up space is something I need to lean how to do. In a way I find it strange how "society" teaches us that it's wrong to be an individual, to express yourself, to stand your ground. Like what's the harm? Revolution? I feel like if we just got taught that it was okay to wear colors and stupid hats and whatever we want and dance and create the art and talk about what we find important. The world would be better. You know no one really is original right? At this point it's like everything already has been done before...so why be scared? But after all I'm here, scared...

Speaking of taking up space, I had a late birthday party last saturday and it was amazing. Most of my friends were there and we danced to good music and made the paintings in my livingroom slant. We played fear pong and took shots and mixed drinks and pole danced and I felt so much love towards everyone and they loved me. I was everyone's girlfriend and we all shared ciggs. I am so in love with everything, I fall in love with how the light looked when we were sitting in the sofa when it was all purple and lazer green and I fell in love with the way we all sang karaoke to disney songs from our childhood that none of us knew we remember the lyrics to. Love is in everything I see, and I guess that's why everything is so painful when I can't feel it. They were right, I think, when they said that the more you love the more it hurts, that's the cycle. The more you put in the more you lose, life. But what would anything be really if we didn't put ourselves in it so much our whole body burns? Or when the tips of your fingers get tougher after playing the guitar so much. Or peeling glue off of your hands, burning yourself repeatedly on the gun. Not to feel too much, no actually, to feel way too much, I feel like that's what people don't really get when it comes to me. That's where they get it wrong. When I do things I do it with my whole heart, body. I want to show every part of myself, of my story. I don't understand creating art for no reason, it's my escape, everything I do is my escape.

I recently had a strange conversation with a boy I know, he was sitting ranting about how much he wishes he could die as he stops and turns to me and says "what problems do you have to deal with?", not in the nice way, but almost in an incriminating way. And that's when I realized that maybe I don't seem as messed up as I can feel sometimes. I realized that many people don't know my issues because I don't like to be that person to sit in the hallway complaining about life. There's not a lot of people that know about my nightmares or my social phobia or my almost constant fear that the roof will collapse or that the floor will cave in. (It's like the floorboards bends as I walk down the halls, am I the only one noticing?). I don't know, I guess it's just weird how much you can feel inside, how the world looks to you, as colorful or black and white as you want. How much you can feel yet no one really sees. I want to show, so bad, or my hands might explode. Maybe in the future will I regret being so passive, I'll regret waiting. Maybe I need to lose myself first, before I can get over it. Maybe a piece of me needs to find its way out of my body too small to handle it, before I come undone at the seams.

15th August 2021 09:18

Sometimes I don't know if I'm broken or just bad.

16th July 2021 01:07

As I am here, with the July sky falling over me with the flowers blooming and the soft dust hanging in the air like glitter. And I understand now that seeing me happy is what makes you fall apart. All that time I spent trying to make you happy, only to end up here. See, I am here; finally I am. I feel like for the first time in my life I don't want summer to end, in a sense I feel like it never will. But I know I'll look back at this in windy October and think to myself "well, no, it sure did end.". That's what's so difficult in life I feel like, I never know what to focus on. I want to be in the now, like the now now, but the constant pursuit of feeling like I am present makes me so aware that every moment will pass. Consuming. I am not here now, sorry, I'm thinking about that this won't last forever. Forever. I've never liked the thought of forever either though if I'm going to be honest with you. It is so scary. Think of it: you being in this body, feeling, seeing, percieving forever. I don't think we as humans really understand the concept of forever. I mean to be fair, after all; it's something we'll never experience. I wouldn't say I am afraid of, or that I resent death, it is a warm gun that will shoot me one day wether I like it or not. The thing with death that I sometimes ponder about and a thouht that just won't leave my head on particularly heavy days. When I die, will I have the thought "I'm dying."? Is death going to be like a warm hug from the Universe, as your conscious drifts away. Will it be a soft goodbye from the rivers and mountains and fields? Will it be seen as a celebration? A happy ending? Or will it burn? Will it bleed? Stained red, as Junko or Solange. Nevertheless, die I shall. As nothing is forever; nothing matters. I am meaningless really.

Yet, contentness in my being isn't final, as everyday I seem to become more and more the person that I am "supposed" to be...I suppose. My friend and I recently did shrooms, and it opened my eyes as to how beautiful the world really is; how everything has an underlying hint of purple and how texture is in everything (duh. But really look, look at how everyhting is shaped using something else, how everything is connected with superglue). How bright all the colors are. We felt like skeletons walking to the store to buy noodles. And somehow no one noticed us, we stood there observing, convincing each other that we didn't exist. We actually said to each other, loudly (mind you) in the store that no one could see that we existed. And as swedish as it could get; everyone looked away, minding their own business, playing into our fantasy perfectly.

It was lovely. Everything is so lovely. Summer is in eternity.

2nd July 2021 10:25

Been a while since I wrote here, so much has happened the last couple of weeks. It's been so crazy. Being, existing, breating has felt so good lately. Being me makes me happy. Isn't that wild? I truly didn't think I'd ever feel like this, but now I'm here, in the sun, going forward. I just can't help but think sometimes about the people I've left behind. Ex-me's. Ex-you.
Because I did deserve the world, you said it yourself. I left the girl crying.

Let me tell you what I've been up to lately. I got a cat!! She's the cutest in the world, her name is Bella. I've wanted a cat for so long and I can't believe I finally have one and she's mine?!

I also just came home from a camping trip with some of my friends...and let me tell you, those were some of the weirdest days of my life. We were drunk every night and we told each other everything. One of the best nights in my opinion was the night when we had a crying circle where we all just cuddled each other and cried about everything. I wouldn't call it a sad kind of cry, but a 'it's going to be okay' kind of cry. I told them about the absence of my dad, and how I wish I didn't miss him from time to time, she told us about how her older sister died at birth and how much pressure her parents put on her to be the daughter they never had and another girl told us all about how her mom is depressed and that she's scared that she's going to kill herself. It was a lot. Parents. Then the days, oh the days. They were full of long and intense UNO senssions, drinking games, petting the chickens and running around in the tall grass and playing stupid games we made up. Complaining about mosquito bites and being hungover, getting a weird sunburn and waking up in the tent with a pounding head loning for water. Sitting in the field listening to Elvin play the beatles songs on his stupid gitalele and laughing about our half-painful half-idyllic existance. We also played stip poker and skinny dipped a couple of times, and I've realized that I swim much better drunk than when I'm sober. That says a lot I guess..

I'm here. I'm in the summer, and I have now only 2 months before I turn 18. Life is good. And I could never have imagined that I would be this happy to be me. All the people I have the luck to have in my life, all the adventures I go on. I honestly think 2021 is "my year" if I'm going to be honest with you. That new years eve changed my whole state of being; of feeling. And I can't describe it, but I feel so fourtunate for everything to have gone this way. Maybe I deserve it after all. I don't mean to brag, but life is serene from hurt. I wish I could stay here forever.

11th June 2021 16:29

So, I finished another year of school... what now?
I went to a party yesterday and it was amazing. We sat on a cliff and drank fireball mixed with monster fiesta lmao (it IS good). We were just talking, smoking, listening to music. I ended up sitting on the pavement at 00:30 drunk, playing 'go fish' with german sailor moon playingcards while listening to GO_A. A part of the town I've never been to before. I love that we sat there until 02:30, when me and L had to catch the bus. All I could think about was that when I went off the bus the air that hit me was warm. Well, it's summer. And it's kind of crazy in a way.

19th May 2021

i so strongly want to be able to see life as magical. i want to be able to find something calming inside myself. i want to be able to rely on myself to be good...to myself. i am so good at getting too caught up in the little things, in the cracks in the walls and paint them black not golden. i am so bad at seeing the bigger picture sometimes. i get stuck on the small details and i repeat it to myself again and again. a single word, a look he gave me, the way she said my name. and i sit and repeat it, like a broken cd, until i think that that's the whole piture. that that's what always was. i feel like, even if i try to be the best i can, the best girlfriend, the best friend, the best for myself, i am still so good at self sabotage. i can build up this mindset again and again, that nothing matters and that i then should live in this world of not worrying. because everything dies, and has an end, resulting in nothing mattering. but then the anxiety hits me, and my moodswings, and i curse myself for being so split. i really feel like my mind is split in half, one side believes in the most strange things, having a secret handshake with the universe, fairies, no one wants to harm you and what others think doesn't matter because nothing will matter in time. while the other is the one with social anxiety, the one with bpd, the one who wants to take every moment and make it 100, who makes me want to harm myself, want to put others in worry. and it really sucks, it really, really does. sometimes i like to think that i only am held back by my mental health issues so i won't take over the world.

i am getting there, i really want to think so, seeing the world layed out before me. seeing the magic in everything, finding the friend in myself. i want to explore everyhting, and i wouldn't mind being on my own. for the first time i am starting to find joy in spending time with myself, and enjoying it. i want to go to churches and write poems and sit and sketch the cement walls and the colorful wondows where the light shines through, the dust in the air. i've never believed in god, and i don't think i ever will, but churches are magical places. and i think it's like that because it's living history. hundreds and hundreds of years ago they were built for the purpose of belief and unity. religion in of itself is nothing i really like, but i can see the beauty in having that think that keeps you going, makes you find a light in the dark. and i appreciate the architecture, because as much as i dislike religion in itself, they did create some beautiful things. i want to walk around in the graveyards and read all the names, try to picture them in my head. i want to go to second hand stores and find weird books about life with scribbles in them. sit in the aisles tucked between high bookshelves full with books that have collected moths and dust over the years. i recently got an interest of reading about existentialism, Sartre and Beauvoir, and the same day i went to this second hand and found Simone's book "the second sex". what are the odds?! even though i haven't thought about reading the "feminist manifesto" before, of course i had to get it. kind of as a reminder to myself how much power our thoughts have. i told this to my boyfriend and he just said, "but if you didn't know about Beauvoir it would have just been like any book" and yeah, fair point. although, if you can believe that the world is magical and that everything is significant and that there's soemthing out there being like 'hey, i hear you, i see you' then why not believe it? Because to be honest, I think our thoughts do have a lot of power, well, of course they do. it's how we percieve the world, how we view ourselves and us in relation to the bigger picture. and i feel like i am going somewhere here. i feel like i'm so far away sometimes, losing it.
but that's exactly how i want it to be.

26th April 2021 21:51

"It's strange. A lot of the time you don't register the important moments in your life as they happen. You only see that they were important when you look back."
It's so weird to look back at events in my life the past 5 years and see how everything life changing that has happened to me can be traced back to a decision I made multiple years ago. Like it's all playing out exactly like it should. That if I never would have chose school A rather than B to go to in 7th grade then I never would have been bullied at school A which made me get this really strong bond with the other bullied girl and we ended up switching to school C because she had an old friend in that school and that old friend so happened to become my best friend and he was the reason why I met my current boyfriend. It's already so messy and it's even more messy if I were to go in on the details, I promise. Me and Teddy actually talked about that yesterday, when we were laying in bed, cuddling and listening to Cigarettes After Sex. How everyting just had to work out in a certain way for us to meet, and it's kind of crazy to think that we so easily could have never known each other. We never were supposed to meet, not actually. But what if we did meet, but didn't end up talking about poetry? What if something was slightly different and made it so that we never would feel that strong connection to each other? And I told him that it still feels like a dream, us two, and I honestly feel like it never will feel like reality. Just because this was my dream. Unconditional love.

But yeah, that has been on my mind lately a lot, that everything you do kind of does change the future. And I can't help but feel so happy when I look back at my past. Even though I've struggled so much the last 10 years, I've finally reached the point where all the hurt feels worth it. It really does. I know it always feels like a lie, when you're down and people tell you it's going to go up again someday. It does. But it might take a while.
The thing is, no, I'm not "cured" from my problems, I still have "crippling" mental health issues, I still have trauma I haven't worked through, I still have my diagnoses. But I finally feel like life is worth it, after all. And I get so sentimental thinking about it all. All the phases I've had when growing up, all the shit I've done, how stupid I've been. If I'm going to be completely honest with you, I look forward to my 20's. I know- crazy! For a gen Z person to not be scared of growing up and completely hating the idea of turning over the age of 18!! No but actually, I am looking forward to my 20's because I think it's going to be 10 years of soul-searching. Me searching. Finding out who I am, what I want, where I want to go. I think the reason why many of us are scared of growing up is because we think we're supposed to have everything figured out when we're like 17. That we should know exactly who we are and have a clear picture of what we as individuals can bring to the world. We forget that just because you're an adult, just because you have to pay taxes and have the freedom of buying alcohol at bars and take your drivers license doesn't mean that you can't mess up. If anything I feel like your 20's is the time to mess up, almost like you're supposed to mess up in your 20's.

All in all, I finally feel like I can look back at most of the things in my life and see that there was some kind of purpose of it all. I guess it's what we have to do to survive, to move on. It all made me end up here, in what feels like a dream. I never thought it would come, in a way. And I'm not saying that from now on my life will be perfect, I know I'll still struggle with my past sometimes, I know that when November comes again it will all get darker again, I know that I still won't be able to have a normal relationship with my dad and I know that I'll fuck up again. But it feels like I can see things clearer now, like I've finally wiped away the dirt from my glasses (not that I wear glasses but you get the metaphor). I have accepted it, everything. And I guess that's the first step towards recovery. And I'm on my way there, I know I'll survive now, I am finally looking forward to the future, and that feels good. So fucking good.

20th April 2021 18:05

I had another amazing weekend last week, I met her again and we stayed up all night again and did drugs..again lol. It was so lovely! And I feel even closer to her now than I did before, I promise, we have some kind of deep deep connection that is bigger than us, I don't think we'll ever really understand it . I feel so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life who I love so much. It's difficult to comprehend or put into a sentence how much I love certiain people, and I've thought so much about that lately. How important it really is to focus on the people that you connect with and that you can see yourself be friends with in the future. Why spend time with people who you don't really..like? You know, you can appreciate them, and maybe have some fun when you're hanging out, but do you really feel like it's a friendship worth fighting for? I mean, people want different things out of a friendship, but what I've always wanted is understanding, love, adventure, trust, feeling that we both mean so much to each other. I want to spend more time with the people that make me so happy, that I feel that special connection with, who I truly can be me with.

The thing is, I realized today while we were sitting eating lunch, talking about being vulnerable, that I've stopped caring. People always care so much. You shouldn't be loud, don't take up space, for fuck's sake don't cry, don't show them how you actually feel, bottle it up! No, fuck that. I want to put myself out there, I want to be me to 100%. Wether that be the hyper, happy me, the adventurous me, the sad me, the laying on the floor crying me, the having anxiety when going to the store me, the frustrated me, the cuddly me, the druggie (lol) me. Because if you can't be yourself, what's the point? No, really, what's the point? I really think that embracing being vulnerable and showing the chaos, that's really the true way to see the beauty in the world. At least for me. I think that maybe that's why I have such wonderful people in my life, because I've been able to be myself with them and they've been able to be themselves for me, and we get through this constant panic attack that is being a teenager.

Like, I've been pondering about it a lot lately, why I feel, content, kind of, even if I'm really struggling right now. And even if I have for a really long time, and will for (probably) a really long time ahead of me. But I still feel so happy with myself, how my life is right now, in general. And I'm starting to think that might be just because I've stopped caring about putting on a fake smile, I've stopped caring about having secrets, I've stopped caring about the stigma that you shouldn't cry in front of others. I can't count all the times I've cried on the subway, or on the bus, or just by the bus stop. In the beginning I thought it was embarrassing to be so open with my emotions to others, but I couldn't help it, I just didn't know what else to do. And throughout the years I've met so many nice strangers who have been there for me when I've felt like no one cared, like my world was falling apart. Why are we so afraid of being soft? Why are we so scared of showing other humans that we're human too? Most people don't want to hurt you. Why engage in friendships and relationships having that wall up, it's all so surface level. And then you feel like shit, and then you die.

I feel like I am going somewhere with all of this. I feel like one day I'll be exactly who I want to be, have the kind of people in my life that I want to have, be where I want to be. I have a while left, of course, but just realizing that nothing matters. Really. Because someday I'm going to die and when that moment comes all I want is to feel is happiness as I drift into an eternal sleep. All I want is to have had all these adventures in my pocket, I want to have met so many wonderful people who I've formed strong bonds with. I want to feel like I truly have lived. And then when you think about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be more vulnerable? Maybe that's exactly what will get you to all these beautiful places, beautiful people. This is who I am, I'm going to live my life to the fullest, and that includes being a mess, being chaos, bawling my eyes out on the train,
take it or leave it (me).

11th April 2021 02:53

I love that we stayed up all night and just talked, talked about absolutely everything. I can't describe how special she is to me, how happy she makes me, how close I feel to her, how much I trust her. I love that we stayed up all night and I was awake for 38 hours, until I finally got sleepy in a call with Teddy. And I told him with so much happiness in my voice about the friday night me and her had. It's just like I feel that we understand each other in a different way, I've never met someone who understands me as much as she does. And I just feel so happy right now. Even though I've only slept for 4 hours, and the drugs are wearing off and I have so much schoolwork I need to do tomorrow because I've been procrastinating it this whole week. I just feel so, how do I put it, like happy to have the memories I have, and my friends. I know this is all over the place, I'm still not completely sober yet (or I shuldn't be otherwise it would be weird to feel like this lol).

But yeah, and friday!!! We hung out with each other from 17 on friday until 13 on saturday, non stop. And it felt so magical, because it all was like a dream. When I had to leave her to go on the bus I felt like I really didn't want to. I just keep thinking about how we sat on my bed, lines after lines, listened through all my cd's, had on all my fairy lights and when the clock hit 5 in the morning we started hearing all the birds. I don't think I'll ever forget that. A wave of songs, that never ended, it sounded so lively, like every part of the forest was a bird, all of the trees, the rocks. But when you actually looked outside it was still so dark, that it looked dead.

We'll see, maybe this happiness will have died down until tomorrow when reality hits me, but it's going to be okay. NOTE TO BUNNY TOMORROW : it'll be okay. It will all work out. I promise. And the thing is I actually feel it. YOU feel it. So, please don't stress too much over delayed argumentative essays or human genetics. My mind is so speratic right now, and it's really showing in the way I write...I really should get back to sleep. I hope I'll see you soon <3!!

27th March 2021 10:31

And once again, life has changed for me. I've realized that talking to people really does a lot. A LOT. I was scared in a way, what was waiting for me as I walked closer to the bench he was sitting on, but at the same time I knew nothing would've changed. I knew that he's still him, who i've known for so long, who I've been so close to, who I thought I was going to kill myself with. He'd see the same, that I'm still me, despite breaking his heart. And for the first time in so long, we just sat and talked. He dropped the sitting-smoking-while-drinking-coffee-mysterious-man look and instead he asked if I wanted a cigarette. And we sat and talked and talked. It felt good not having any filters, because I knew that nothing would change if I wasn't completely transparent. There's two sides to every story, and now it's good. Could you imagine?! It's good! We're good!

I couldn't get over it, that yesterday in school we sat outside during lunch, me, him and a friend. We sat in the spring sun, let the rays wash over us, as we heard music in the far distance playing somewhere on the streets. Birds were flying and the water looked blue again, not black. And we sat and laughed at something stupid. He smoked another cigarette, maybe that's the scar I left. Or maybe it was always meant to be like this. And they even invited me to make edibles with them, I had to decline though, but it's okay. Because it's now only 5 days until I see you again. And you don't understand how much I've missed you.

We talked yesterday after I almost had a flashback on the bus. To the car, from the boat, the water, and the roads. I thought I was going to die. I really, really did. And you called. We started talking about our traumas. I expressed that I am so scared that the parts of my brain trying to protect me would suddenly one day give me back more memories, because I know I have more, I know it. But at the same time, not having them scares me too. It goes against itself so much, but I feel like I have the right to know. I have the right to my own memories, I have the right to look at my 9 year old self and understand what she went through. I'm sorry that I can't remember. I'm so so sorry that you're in this alone. And we talked about self destruction, that it's something so prominent in both of our brains. Just different, but physical or mental; It's destruction of one self nonetheless. The more I get to know you the more I'm convinced that we're meant to be. The more I see how similar we are. The more I feel like we both went through all of this to get here. Where we are safe, where we can hold each other.

I tried telling you about my fear of destroying everyone who loves me. I tried telling you that the two people who have loved me the most both got suicidal because I left, because I couldn't commit anymore. Both of them, wanted to die. And my biggest fear is that I'm going to do the same to you, but you told me, that you're never going to kill yourself. But that I mean everything to you, that you couldn't see you without me. That you've never loved anyone as much as you love me. You said that you couldn't handle losing me to death. If I broke your heart, it would be different. Would it?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't write this, I love you. And I can see me and you walk through life for many years together, hand in hand. I hope I'll never lose you, and you'll never lose me. A promise, three words, a binding. 5 more days.
Jag älskar dig.

16th March 2021 18:58

These last couple of weeks have been amazing. Not in the way that everything has been good all the time, but that life has been so chaotic, and upside down, and sad, and happy, and euphoric. I've felt it all, and it is one of those times where I'm just in the in-between moments thinking, "I'll make it out alive, I know that now."

Two days ago I experienced it again, what I've missed so much, her and I on adventures once again. I've realized how much influence he had on me to do certain things, and to NOT do other. It felt so good to reach out to her again and a couple of weeks ago sit on the staircase in the middle of city smoking cigarettes, the same place where we bought the drugs from that old dude last year. We sat there, talked about everything, absolutely everything, and decided that fuck it, let's do it again. So this last saturday, we did it. It was a light blue nike shoe this time. After we had swallowed them we went outside to smoke and drink monster, and I remember it kicking in the same time as the nicotine, I was floating. And I lay down on my porch, and I screamed "now I feel so good, life is wonderful!", and she took a picture of me, floating in space. I guess that you've figured out what drug it is? If not, it's love. Pure, love. Ecstasy.

We walked around my neighborhood and just talked, we talked about everything and more of that everything. Even more everything than that time on the stairs. And it was like we were the only ones alive in the entire world, as the fog lay thick around the houses, and no one was awake. This time was so different from the first time. The first time I didn't think about him at all, my boyfriend at the time. We were going though hardships in our relationship and I remember not thinking about him once when I was high on ecstacy the first time, May of last year. Well, times have changed, and he's no longer in my life. I was fourtunate enough to have someone else love me, more than he ever loved me. I am so sure of this now. Because he cares so much. He tells me he loves me so much. He shows in his actions that I mean a lot to him. He puts up with me when I call him and feel anxious, or when I'm sad, or when I'm needy, or when I want to rant. He wants to hear me sing, and he wants to give me headpats. He puts up with when I call him when I'm drunk or high, and he doesn't judge me for loving the feeling I get from being completely gone. This time was so different, as I said, because this time I couldn't stop talking about him, my current boyfriend. I just kept on talking and talking and talking about him. How he's the sweetest guy I've ever met, and how good he treats me. He's showed me love I haven't experienced before, not from the outside nor from myself. And I called him, high on ecstacy and declared, he's the best person in the entire universe. And the day after, when the ecstacy had wore off, I still sat on the bus thinking the exact same thing, he's the best person in the entire universe.

I am so happy right now, becasue I have found such pure love. From both him and me, I know it's true. It's something so special that when he gets inside I can't help but tell him I love him, I have to tell him, I love him, when I'm at my most vunerable. I have yet to find words for it, how the love feels. None of the lovesongs or poems feel enough, it doesn't capture how much I wish he was here. How much I miss his precence.

17th February 2021 14:11

It's been over a month now, wow. Yesterday made it exactly a month since I decided to break up with him, the last day I hugged him, the last day we cried together. And not to sound horrible, but I catch myself sometimes with that ligering thought of time, the pase that it moves in. And I ask myself, now the horrible part, "why don't I miss him more?". I mean it makes sense, I was the one who decided to cut the chord, yes, but not even as a friend? No? Ok. I remember how I only a couple of months ago thought I couldn't live without him. Or how I a couple of years ago thought he'd be the one I'd die besides. I thought he was the love of my life, I thought it would be us forever...But feelings aren't that simple, are they?

I've found something different, as though I was sitting strumming my guitar and I found a new sound. I found something in between the cracks, a new type of light, not the cold blue one that you were, but a warm one. Almost pink, orange, like fire, kind of. And now I walk hand in hand with someone else, with a beautiful mind.

It's weird how it all can change so fast, and what 2021 has given me so far, how much is left? Damn, I am someone in a completely different universe than 1,5 months ago. And yet, it feels so right. It feels like everything's falling into place. The void is filling up, without you.

I wonder if you ever come back here? If you ever read what I write, If you'd even bother to hear what I have to say. You never did before, but maybe you would out of spite. I'll gladly tell you about it all. How it feels to be me. How my eyes have opened. And you can tell me about yours, I'll sit and listen. Maybe we'll laugh again someday. It's for you to decide, but I'm not waiting anymore.
I'll go out and live, I'll fall in love, I'll get high, I'll have conversations so beautiful they don't feel real, and I'll continue with my art and I'll have sex and I'll go to Berlin again, this time so without you.

Maybe the trees will have had leaves and lost them again until you'll look me in the eyes, and that's fine by me, life is handing me it all. And it's all I've ever wanted without knowing it. I changed everything, by the uttering of 5 words or so. And now I see it. I know I'll always have myself. With or without you; I'm happy. I'm so god damn happy. Everything is as it should be, I know that now.

3rd February 2021 00:30

Today I continued working on my sculpture, the ones with the flowers. I sat there with my hands covered in clay with the tv on in the background and I tried and tried and tried to make it the way I wanted it to be. But the clay didn't want to listen, it twisted and turned and fell apart and cracked. I was close to giving up as I started over again. And I started to think that, "it's going to be awful, isn't it?". A scary thought for an artist, at first. The more I thought about it, the more soothing it bacame. So what if it is awful, if it's ugly, maybe that's a part of the emotion in it? Because it's a part of me. Maybe I'm ugly on the inside right now? Maybe I have some healing I need to do. And it's okay. I want to be my art, I want to leave traces in all I do. This is me, my art, my life and my perspective on it. I hate to say it, but it's ugly sometimes.
I heard someone say something today (technically yesterday) that has stayed with me now until the late hours past midnight:

"If we're not growing, we're dying."

It hit me like a fucking truck, becasue it's so true...If we don't go work towards growing as humans, if it just stoppes right there. If we're stuck in the same mindset, the same small view of the world we have created for our very own eyes, we die. We're just dying. Because we are every minute of every hour, everyday, every year. And that's the harsh reality.

I want to get better. I feel like this year my ultimate "quest" //yes let me pretend that I'm in some kind of Adventure Island knock off NES 1986 in my livingroom in the dark with the only source of light being the tv on my way to rescue my version of Tina, myself.// will be to take up space. Let myself be loud, and noticed. Let myself create my art, and be proud of it. Becasue that's something I've been missing these last few years, allowing myself to take up space, letting myself have feelings, letting myself be the best version of me...
...As she is right now, maybe that will change in the future, forever growing. And you'll see,
I'll never die.

20th January 2021 18:12

I did it. In a way it felt like that day never would come, it wasn't something I thought would happen. But it's when you stop and actually look around that you see that maybe, just maybe, you are blinded by love.I dind't mean to destroy you, just like you dind't mean to destroy me. We had different methods, you and I. I did it quick and clean, you dragged it out, you drained me. Slowly. And I'll miss seeing your name pop up here and there, I know I'll miss the fantasies of what could have been. It feels like the blue skies I saw before now are clouded, by angry, dark, thunder clouds. And I can't seem to find shelter. The good times are blinded by the bad, and I am trying to hold my breath so water won't get in my lungs from this rainy weather. I've always loved rain, but you know how I get when it's a thunderstorm; you if anyone would know.
You if anyone would have known...

I feel like this is something you'll have to go through living on this planet, in this universe, existing in such painful nature. It has to happen. The more you love the more broken you'll be afterwards. And things all have their time. As I told you yesterday, and you said, "As an unwise woman said once 'Right person. Wrong time.'". And I felt it again. It all.

It's over, curtain call. I won't be seeing you for a while I guess, but I hope you have a good time and that you'll find yourself again. Until we meet again, I'll be waiting for you. But I won't be waiting to live my own life. I've learned that now...

02/04/2019 - 19/01/2021
I hope you'll find happiness beyond me.

13th January 2021 08:54

...And with that all the things we've experienced rose high up in the air and exploded.
I'm doing this for us. For me. And I know it's the best for both of us in the end. I feel like what once was beautiful and blossoming, fruit right in the beginning of spring has turned brown and rotten. I've found some kind of peace in that it all has its time, just like the seasons change..they do. And so do you. So do I.

I've played a lot of guitar lately. I don't know why but it's just so theraputic to sit and hit the strings with crow noices coming out of my mouth. It was my saving when the anxiety was too much; I haven't been able to leave my bed a lot lately. At the same time I've been so so so happy.
All I wish for is to not be alone.
And I apologize for making you lonely.

5th January 2021 02:55

I saw the snow pile up one snowflake at the time on the skylight in my room with the four pink walls. I had just put on a record for us to listen to, and then I went to sit on my bed. While you were on the floor, you opened your mouth, and with that I let my body fall towards my bedsheets. That's when I saw it.

I would lie to you if I told you that I haven't had the time of my life these last couple of days. Honestly, best new years so far! I was in the living room dancing to The 1975 as they started to tie their shoes yelling that 2020 would be over in 5 minutes. Cut to running down my street with fireworks going off above me. As drunk as I was (from all the shots I took with G so that she'd forget that he was there), I still knew that moment would be fleeting. I decided to live every second of it, dancing, running, screaming, admiring. And getting pulled in closer by someone as fireworks are going off, while the world lay hazy and blurry, it is a really special feeling. I couldn't imagine a better way to start 2021.

Fast forward 24 hours and I had put another drug in my body, will I ever stop? I have no recollection, nevermind. Anyway, we stood in the kitchen I couldn't stop eating cheese. I looked at everyone with such bright eyes, with happiness. Hugs, and laugh, and sex, it goes around. And I miss that night. And sometimes I wish things were different.

I am honestly excited for this year, I think I'm going to have so much fun. I think the roads I'll walk will bloom now, and I think I will start singing more. I wonder how the world will look in summer, when the grass is green again, and the warmth of the sun's still burning on our bare arms as it's falling over the horizon. I wonder who will be in my arms, softly breathing.
I won't want it to end this time. In 6 months or so, where will I be then? I feel like, for the first time in a while, I'm excited to live, to see the future.