Buriedgirl
2018 - 2022

One morning in early november
I woke up around four or something
I can’t remember
out my window past the sill
past my cactus i’ve forgotten to water for some time
the darkness was spreading with the wind
my half open pitiful eyes
tried to make out a shape
but to no surprise
(there was nothing i could find)
my hands fumbled across the empty bed
sheets and sheets and
there was a stain
dark liquid has made its way
as if an animal had crawled up next
to me during the darkest hours
and simply died besides me

i started to despise my bed

I am the girl playing on the floor
With cars, Barbies and dinosaurs
I am the girl who lives at the end of the road
In the green big house just by the trail surrounded by stones
I am the girl that just lost her dog
To illness with great strong backbones

I am the girl sitting in the back
Nodding along to songs about school attacks
I am the girl living two stages of problems
One in the villa and one in the complex
I am the girl locking herself inside
I see the world through green eyes

I am the girl sitting by the bus stop
Writing little messages on the wooden planks for others to see
I am the girl trying to find right
Just heard about leaving traces behind
I am the girl dancing
Because who else is going to do it, if not me?

I am the girl standing by the windowsill
Waiting for the love to kick in
Used to being used by others
So I started using myself
The green times never came in the end

I am the girl laying on the floor
Sweaty on my back, legs and neck
She told me she likes to destroy
Tear down everything on my walls
To build a new home

at first when he told me about it i thought it didn’t sound like me at all. i told all my friends about it and we laughed.
that doesn’t sound like you, all of them said. i nodded my head. but then more time went on and i started to see it more;
how the patterns all laid out, how flowers grew in the dark and how my hand could walk over the fleur-de-lis walls. i
follow the lines until they break apart, i trace the flowers until they die out. and then i follow the lines and i cry myself
to sleep. i follow the lines and i see everything so bleak. then, like winter never came, spring drops its soft petals on my face.
and i dance on the platform waiting for the train. i sit on the bus and i see flowers growing from other people’s heads. i wonder
how no one can tell, i am the universe in motion; i am solar star ready to combust. give my love to whoever’s next, i’ll talk to
you on my way home. i stay up all night as though the sun never went down, i sit and paint for hours on end. when the meteor hits,
and we all get struck with pain. people crawling over the pavement, screaming for god to help. reaching out to heaven, but to no avail.
i sit in the corner of my room, i sit and i smile, i’m here again. with shaking hands i draw another line, i wonder how many
days left. the sun will shine anew over me, and i breathe for a while.

Ready for the next time.

if you one day wake up
to peacy skies
and pretty clouds
keep in mind
that i left them there for you
with the simple message
that the world is yours, love
despite me being gone
i hope that you’ll carry on
and please, before i say bye
promise me you’ll always look up to the sky
just to take a moment to be alive
as the world gives you one more night
so that you can once again
wake up to the peachy skies
that i sent

Är det inte något lite fint
med att gå på stan
och hålla nån i handen
Gå ut på middag, bjuda
Sitta på en buss omringad av vänner
Klättra upp på tak, högre och högre
tjuta.
Lyssna på musik en härlig sommardag
gå ute i regnet
Stanna inne och kolla på TV
känna sig Trygg någonstans
Ligga där helt ensam,
försöka glömma bort all den tomhet
men Ignorera.
Ha vänner över när mamma inte är hemma
spela hög musik och sjunga med
vi kommer bli döva
Ta fram Vodkan
kom hit så berättar jag Allt
Springa till lektionen måndag morgon,
huvudet bultar
som att sinnet letar efter kaffe
koffein, den vardagliga drogen
Inte ha råd med en Snickers, skjuta upp den i
ärmen
sen sitta där på bussen på väg
hem, undrandes vem man är
om man spelar roll.

Måste dricka mer
Måste skaffa knark
Tar sig fram som på skidor
genom drivor,
plogar igenom,
plågas.
Vill bara stanna hemma
sticker till Rålis istället
lyckas få tag på någons nummer
Men ibland stanna upp
på väg Tillbaka
Spola ner rakbladen,
kan inte lite på mig själv längre
Stjäl mer.
Orkar inte betala, skaffar metoder
Adrenalin kick efter
adrenalin kick
Ringer samtal
Köpa knark för pengarna från mormor
Ha Sex med sin pojkvän
Och prata med sina kompisar
Som har Sex med sina pojkvänner
Ligga på gräsmattan och försvinna i
det Gröna
Ligga på någons smutsiga golv
och vara helt borta,
visst är det lite fint ändå?

Dear late March,
Bring me
Tenderness
As I become my very own
Let me gaze into
The cobalt eyes of the big Beast
And not be afraid anymore
Let me hold him, gently
Let me find myself to be
The one and only

And dear April,
Please make
The Universe and me
Walk hand in hand together
Infatuated ; make us
Admire the little cracks of sunlight
Singing hymns for different times
Of what’s to come
I believe
There’s fairy foxglove growing
Amongst the cobblestone
And let me live with such passion
All through summer

Dear May,
Close the last
Chapter of my
Teenage years
With a bang a cheer
Make us feel as though
The world was made for us
As we think of the years
That have passed ;
How I’ve loved and I’ve left
And I’ll sing as we all move along
And as I now move alone
Fleeting thoughts of what has been
Don’t bother me anymore
The pieces are finally
Falling into place I’m
Falling without any direction
Falling for a cause of finding
That’s what I’m made to do ; maybe
Once I find my calling, that’s my home
I’m so ready to explore the deepest corners of
My soul

And dear June,
Let me cut all my
Chords
Let me go crazy on the dance floor
Make me so proud
Of who I’ve become and
Who I’m growing into
It’s time for change
Let me become my own
Best friend
Buy myself flowers when I
Strutt home in the rain
Flourish myself like the little lives in my hands
Give me the strength to
Sit back
And let the storm pass
As the world unfolds
Before my very own two eyes
My new mantra
Love is real
Love is real

My name means ‘poison’, that’s something I learned today.
I got the name from my father.
Who got the name from his own father.
A scientist, a man I never knew.
A 50’s man indeed, his name you should never speak.
The only form of presence I’ve seen; a smiling man.
In a photo album from 1973.

It means ‘corrupt matter from a wound’.
Someone fell, must have been a long time ago.
Scraped his knee, he tried to rub it clean.
But the alcohol did not work.
The exposed flesh did not grow whole; it
stayed open with blood running down to his feet.
Yet he washed the wound, more than once every week.
Never taught his son the lesson, only let it be.
A wound set out to never heal.

Again, the name means ‘again’.
Again and again and again and again and again.
Just like my grandfather died, 1975.
My father was only a child; I was only a child.
When I lost him to poison, 2010.
The world crumbled beneath my feet, the cement,
Dug into my skin as I screamed.