24th November 2020 07:30

yesterday someone told me that they envy my passion. i looked at them with surprise, not really sure what to say. i've never really experienced myself as a passionate person, but when i asked what they meant by that thet said "you always go in 100% doing the things you do." and it hit me. the things is, this is another consequence to my depression, or rather, what i did to learn how to cope with my depression. almost exactly two years ago i hit rock bottom, i barely remember how i survived the winter of 2018. but i remember how after two months of constant crying and desperately trying to understand how to exist without feeling pain i hit a wall (metaphorically) and something switched. instead i happened to find myself in this manic-like state. i sat and scribbled on papers for hours, trying to find out the meaning of existance. why was i put here, what for? why do i feel all this pain? was i supposed to feel like this forever?

i searched for reasons to let myself go of my constant self critical grip manipulated by hatred. i tried to find reasons to not execute myself, why did i deserve to live? what gave me permission to be? can i change my world view? but how?.

i read the perks of being a wallflower in 3 days, and i furiously took notes, highlighted, wrote song lyrics in that copy of the classic novel. and that was how i found the smiths. in the book, charlie made a mixtape called "one winter", and both the opening song and the absolute last was "asleep" by the smiths. it quickly became one of my favorite songs at the time.

sing me to sleep sing me to sleep
and then leave me alone
don't try to wake me in the morning
'cause i will be gone
don't feel bad for me
i want you to know
deep in the cell of my heart
i will feel so glad to go

sing me to sleep
sing me to sleep
i don't want to wake up
on my own anymore

i just needed something, anything, to set me into a spiral, and this small insignificant book and song did. because i found meaning in something, i found something to hold onto. if reality got too dull, if i felt myself slipping away in small cracks in reality that would inevitably lead me down the path i've been on so many times; standing there crying, not understanding how to exist. being unable to see myself existing in the nearest hour because of all the pain i felt inside, i didn't know how to handle it.

so i ended up setting up rules for myself that i slowly would work towards, and i thought i could share a couple of them here.

i'll call this, a series of revelations for the fragmented:
1) you are NOT SPECIAL. you couldv'e been born as anyone in the entire world, so stop behaving like you deserve a different kind of treatment just because you happen to be this very person. you could have just as well been your own friend, or acquaintance. step outside your body and look at yourself struggle, and treat yourself as you'd treat a friend in need. be kind to yourself.
2) allow yourself to feel small bursts of strong happiness over small things, like seeing a cute dog on your way to the bus. you might have to pretend in the beginning, but soon enough you'll feel genuine happiness over the smallest of things. and when you're not happy in the big picture, starting small is a good place to start
3) don't ever settle for "enough", this is your life, you decide over your own. if things are just enough you're not living, fight, fight to get what you feel like you need to do to feel alright. it's okay to go a little crazy during this time period, i did, as you might can tell.
4) when reality gets difficult to recognice because the pain is expanding, take that pain and with all your energy put it into an object. look at it, spew swerwords and frustration on it if you want to, or just observe. look at your own pain from another perspective, in something else rather than your own body. feel it leave your body, look at it for what it is. and let that feeling breathe, feel yourself getting steadier, feel your feet on the ground. you are here, you will not be eaten alive by the void.
5) start living for yourself; no one else. stop caring what others think, they are only temporary; in your life you are forever. live and let live.
6) realize that by dying your pain does NOT ceace to exist, it'll only be passed down to someone else.

19th November 2020 20:21

We spoke again yesterday. I've talked a lot to Dan lately. I wish he lived closer so we could do all the things we've talked about doing. Anyway, why does it always feel like I haven't met you in weeks when it's only been a day? I was hoping I wouldn't feel like this at this point of our relationship, but yet, I still depend on you. I still need you to breathe.

Right now I'm listening to "Save me a spark" live recording by Sleeping With Sirens. I remember listening to this while crying in my room, the four pink walls that hold so much, the things they have seen. the stuffed animals from my childhood, all my clothes, my memories, the alcohol I hide from my mom, the weed, the sex. Believe it or not, I think I am getting used to growing up. I am starting to get used to knowing how horrible the world can be, getting used to getting drunk, getting used to wake up in the morning NEEDING my beloved coffee; WITHOUT my COFFEE I become a fucking demon and I will scratch off all the paint from the walls and eat your whole family if you don't GIVE ME MY MORNING COFFEE. As I joke about to all my friends, I am a proud caffeine addict. There's truth behind every joke, right? Wait, let me count, how long do I have left: 17 days and 10 months, then I'll hit the big ten and eight. Great! I have so much illegal shit I want to do beforehand. I don't know if something is wrong with me, but committing crimes are kind of sexy. I mean of course it depends on what kind of crime you commit lol. But like, fuckkk, robbery, grand theft auto, drugs, stealing, break in and entering, TAKE ME NOW. I'm really a sad, sad, sad teenage coming-of-age fucking sentimental sob story wannabe protagonist. I make people disappointed by just looking at me! Why waste so much of your life making others worse?
Who are you trying to be?

"I'm sure there'll be light at the end of the path before you. So promise me...you'll have a big smile on when you find it. And you'll eat bread here with me again with that smile on."

14th November 2020 16:13

all is good, all is good.

10th November 2020 01:22


i fell down into the hole again. of existance, death, purity. i hate purity culture, but i can't help but obsess over it. no one really cares. no one cares about religion anymore, everyone drinks, everyone takes drugs, have sex, self harm. sometimes it all blurrs together and becomes this great big mass of emotion and restrain. sometimes i catch myself dozing off, i see in the mirror how red my eyes are, i stand up only to almost fall. i know how cliche it sounds, but i am convinced that love is one of the most lethal drugs. yes, it's most definitely a drug. a highly addictive one too. i disappear in him, like he's a big black hole celestial body. i get all tangled up, and lightheaded. when he lifts me up the whole world is sinning and when he holds me down by my throat, all in control. he is light, he is the substance i consume, and he is the one who is pressing me up against a wall with claws and blood dripping down. i am helpless. he makes me feel like i am good, because he thinks i am. but at the same time he's the one who's seen me in every kind of situation, all seasons. and it makes me surprised, actually. i used to think he knew me too much to love me. that this glorified innocent picture of me was soaked in the blood i caused myself to bleed, the tears from my eyes, the vodka i've downed and the cum from all the times. but, he's still here. and i'm still here.
supernova.

but this was not what all of this was supposed to be about, but as so happened. i'll talk about it some other day, i guess. i just realized that i unconsciously wrote about space multiple times just now, huh. i've just started to read "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy", and in a second i'm going to continue it. the problem is how much it reminds me of my dad. how many references to that book i grew up with without knowing, it was just facts. how he would tell me and my siblings to sit down around the table, reeking of whiskey and with wide but tired eyes. he always said the same thing, "come here and i'll tell you, something, really, really important" and then he'd say "jag ska berätta för er om Livet, Universum och Allt. Svaret är 42." ("i'll tell you about Life, the Universe and Everything. the Answer is 42"), and when we'd ask why that is so, why 42? he'd always say, with a grin, "it's just how the Universe works...and Life...and the Everything."

8th November 2020 23:46

today i woke up with a pounding head and spinning vision. the mistakes of yesterday were prominent when i tried to sit up in the bed but i fell straight down again. he grabbed my body and pulled me closer, held me tight. i gave up, and went back to sleep.

it was a saturday, at 3 pm, and we were standing by the port waiting, 17-23, "are you sure this is the right place?". i was anxious, i hadn't bought alcohol from a dealer like this for a long while. with every person walking past, every car driving bad i uttered the words "do you think that's him?" no, and again, no. 20 minutes later and we were on the strain back to the central, this time with 3 liters of smirnoff cramped into our bags as we pretended like nothing when the glass bottles hit each other in there making a loud "klirr" sound. we went to eat fries at a miscellaneous burger place, chatting about the protest going on outside. "good for us we're not them, we are safe here as consumers of the capital agenda. we have nothing to worry about, glad to be from here! i mean the world is dark and grousome and sad and they are probably trying to convey a really important message but i don't know i even should listen, wouldn't it be kind of weird? what does all of this have to do with me anyway?! seems like they want to spread awareness about a war somewhere or something ok but what snacks do you want to buy for tonight?"
(not a conversation that actually happened, which in and of itself says a lot)

oh yeah,i was going to tell you about when we got drunk! yes! back to fun things! we came up with the idea to play among us and take a shot when you lose. i highly recommend it! chaos broke lose when we were around 5 shots in. somehow i ended up in the bathroom with him. we were in the bathtub as he kissed me the way he does, like it's the only thing he wants to do for the rest of his life. there is something about being young and in love, it's the definition of purety, childlike hopes and dreams. we are two but as one and it will be like that forever and forever, always.

as i told monty earlier this night, if alcohol has taught me anything it's that it really does get better when you feel like absolute garbage. really! this moring i felt so bad. we dragged our feet out of bed at 12:58 and i said hello to a lovely 2 hour puking session. i looked at that avocado toast with disgust because i knew i had to eat something because my stomach was completely empty, and i felt like there was a big black hole inside of me, so empty that it had started consuming my insides instead as a way to get at least something. when i finally after hours of groaning and procrastinating the first bite i did it, and they cheered for me. my poor body.

funny enough, i ended up having a pretty great day, well, continued day..so if there's anyhting you should take away from all of this it's that sometimes you just have to take that bite, even if you don't want to maybe, you have to do what you know is right, even if it's the most difficult option.. who am i kidding? there's no deeper meaning behind this, i'm just an irresponsible drinker :)! anyway, i had another really good weekend, how was yours?

1st November 2020 23:56


this weekend was special. in some strange way they felt like my family, that they'd never hurt me. i know that to people in my surroundings i can seem as someone who's got a pretty easy time trusting people, getting comfortable. but i really am not, i'm just good at pretedning. we all sat around making up characters in the dark with only one candle in the middle of the floor as a source of light. we gave each other head pats and cuddles to feel less alone. we slept in the ocean of pillows and blankets and the glow from the tv that we'd turn down the volume on made it seem like we were in outer space. like watching the earth from afar.

i remember how the light looked. the fog was so thick you could see the strings of light sip out of the small pieces of sun we have everywhere around us. the air was like breathing in water but my lungs slowly breathed, up, down, up, down. i have never seen something as magical as that garage. at that moment my head was all that existed, and the lonely lamps that stay in the same place for so many years. it was like the whole world was dead, i was the only one left alive. life was not far away, but i felt like i had entered another reality. i stopped and watched that garage door for minutes, that could have been hours. i was so sure it somehow didn't exist. that it was a part of my imagination.. but i know i saw it. the bridge to the good side. in the foggy light and rainy pebbles in the street. i could have sworn i was the only one left on the entire planet.

or like today, when we woke them up by screaming lyrics to oasis songs while baking in the kitchen. they for sure hated us in that moment, but they laughed about it one hour later. and i danced around, i took space, because i knew i could. and then we stayed inside becasue it was raining, and we watched that stupid movie about jesus being a vampire hunter. we talked about plans about making such a bad and stupid movie on our own, and what the plot should be. whilist eating stange cinnamon buns and coffee mug cake. the leaves are really falling outside right now, aren't they? "i hate winter, but someday i am going to live up in Norrland."

i wonder if he's still walking? his cold bare feet leaving footprints behind him in the snow. with the sight of the old town made out of gears in the long distance. as the snow was falling he cried out because he was left out of the cage. they were all dead. and there was noting he could have done. they were all dead, and the circus is no more. he is forever alone.


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29th October 2020 03:31


lately i've had a lot of feelings of guilt because i don't live with my dad. he's been a horrible father to me, the things he put my mom through when they were still together, how scared i was of him, all the drinking, screaming, breaking. and yet i still feel awful for not living at his place. i know it would make me depressed, because i tried a couple of years ago. everytime i was in the apartment it would feel like the walls were caving in and i'd hear him scream through the walls. i was scared as soon as i'd leave my room because i knew he whould sit there in the sofa watching tv in the dark, and that he wasn't afraid of spitting out his thoughts. dinners were the worst though, somehow they almost always ended in fights. he'd tell me i'm spoiled, that i don't appreciate him enough. it made me so angry, because he didn't know what was going on in my life, not really. he didn't know that i hid scars under my long sleeve shirts.

it's not until now a couple of years later (i lived every other week at my dad's apartment from november 2015 to january 2017) that i had other methods to hurt myself, that i didn't even realize at the time was that. i remember how i would shower in hot, hot water before i'd go to bed. i remember it burning my skin, and how it all became numb, my body, i couldn't feel my legs or my fingers. then i'd turn the degrees up even more. i almost fainted a couple of times, i would feel my head become light and my knees were weak. i remember one time in particular when my vision became black for just a couple of seconds and i sat down, i got so scared and i reached for the tap to pull it back to colder degrees, but my hands were trembling. i ended up turning off the water completely, and then i just sat there, breathing. i felt my skin, it felt as though i had just stepped out of boiling water. obviously it wasn't boiling water, or anywhere near that kind of temperature, but my fingers followed my skin and all i could think about was how dizzy i felt. of course i ignored it. it's like when you bleed from a cut, how many times do you actually go get band aids?

it's so scary when things you really haven't thought that much about for many years just pops up in your mind and you just can't leave it. it's like they're a heat up in 2 minutes pan pizza that has been laying in the freezer for 4 years and you find it while looking for something to eat for lunch and your stomach says, "fuck it, i really have no other option". i've heard that trauma can make someone respond in that way. and it's scary because i don't remember huge chunks of my childhood because of all the fear and stress i experienced. my biggest fear is that a horrible memory will surface out of nowhere and hit me like a bomb. it's like when you go back to your hometown after many years and you see all the corners of the schoolyard where you'd hang out with your friends during recess. and you see the old kiosk where you'd go and steal candy while waiting on the school bus home, and that place by the playground where you smoked your first cigarette or that place you and that girl always would meet with your bikes during summer to go to the lake, but then she moved elsewhere. it all comes back to you, with such a great big feeling of nostalgia.